Letter I,

Sandstone Butte, West

November 4, 1872

Most Juvenile Sir:-

Your Greek-like and Latin-like little letter or mystical nonsense, lies before me decoded and clarified to the best of my linguistic, universally understandable writing, and critically explanatory abilities. As a well deserved verbal reprimand for that, and to test your accustomed good-natured tolerance, I shall vigorously oppose by pouring out upon you, in letter-like form, my overflowing abundance of pretentious long words, Johnson-era old words, foreign words, invented words, local and provincial words, and all of that kind.

In former letter-like scribbles, I gave you the string of accompanying circumstances motion-starting to my migration to this remote section of the western portions of our columbian republican union. I have also precisely outlined my dangerous adventures among the painted, red-faced original inhabitants, or aborigines; portrayed various incidents of huntings in which I participated, reducing flocked gatherings of bison and prong-horned animals which abound on the grassy, western plateaus; depicted my primal vision of the deceiving extraordinary mirage, and the fata morgana; and in truth, recounted much of my fluctuating in fortune experience whilst with the caravan traversing the western extensive tracts of level and open land.

I am, however, not unaware of the fact, that when we imparted mutual departing goodbyes, I laid myself under obligations to give you an all-encompassing precise outline of the western regions upon which I might cast my eyes. As it would be a clear wandering from my usual mechanical regularity to delay the fulfillment of my promises by procrastination or abandonment, I shall, deeming this a sufficient thing, prefacing, or preliminarily, attempt to further disburden myself of said obligations, and in the first place give you a geographically descriptive sketch of this part of our western domain, and a comprehensive and concise ordered listing of its native plants and animals.

The surface features of the western portion are made diverse by many lofty, earthly, stony, and rocky thunder-smitten mountains. Some of gigantic immensity, and perfect roughness. Their wonderful icy peaks tower, apparently above the cloudy regions, into the dark highest heavens.

The eastern portion is a vast wavy plateau; extremely long and wide; having few meager valleys. Its earthy surface is covered with a most nutritious native dry-weather-thriving grassy growth; principally, bouteloua oligostachya, tripsacum dactyloides, mesquite, and gramma. This growth sustains horse, cow, goat, and sheep four-legged animals in a state of plump fattening during the entire wintry season. Artemisia tridentata, the sun-following sunflowers, prickled cactus opuntia, and diverse fleshy-leaved prickle-bearing and needle-bearing cactus-like herbs, and flower-bearing, herb-like, and grass-like-leaved decorations enjoy luxury in many areas and neighbourhoods.

The river winding courses are limited, and originate from the liquifying of vast snowy and icy accumulations in the mountainous regions. None are ship-bearing, but they are full of trout and duck-bearing. Some are golden, and all extremely glittering, and possess a great degree of transparency. None tardy in onward flow. At many points, their coasts, especially in the neighbourhood of river mouths, or dischargings of watercourses, are full with a mixture of rough-leaved, berry-bearing, vine-like, reed-like, and other clusters of bushes.

Masses of poisonous, umbel-bearing, corymb-bearing, raceme-bearing, nettle-bearing, fruit-bearing, flower-bearing plants, and varied uncultivated edible products also abound. The native woody growth consists of needled evergreen and deciduous forests, and groves. By no means, of huge steepness, or totally without crooks, knots, and pointed rocks. Deforestation by cutting down trees and large fires will deplete same in the next decade.

The creeping, feathered, cloven-hoofed and clawed wild beings of this domain are; blackbirds, partridges, small birds, larks, humming birds, wild ducks, herons, venomous serpents, creeping reptiles, diamond rattlesnakes, wolverines, hares, beavers, woodchucks, bad smelling polecats, skunks, hares, mountain sheep, antelope, bison, ground squirrels, coyotes, grizzly bears, and other animals of the mouse, squirrel, cat, dog, rabbit, fox, wolf, bear, deer, goat, sheep, and horse genera. Also, strong-winged hawk-like and eagle-like birds of prey. There are apparently unending areas almost wholly dominated by prairie dogs. Viewing the laughable antics of these playful squirrel-like burrowing rodents, in their running abouts, or perched, like a man upon the peaks of their cone-shaped mounds ceaselessly barking, one cannot control his laughter muscles.

The between-mountain sections of this region are as gold-bearing and silver-bearing as any of the southern, remote south-western, or extreme western and northern sections of this republican union. They are also iron-bearing, carbon-bearing, or anthracite-bearing, lead-bearing, and copper-bearing.

The fruitfulness of the soil in the fertile sections, when properly manured and watered, excels exposition. Besides wheaty and grainy products - which yield a most fine wheat flour - there are produced in open field and kitchen garden enclosures; buckwheat, pumpkins, sarment-bearing strawberries, cucumber-like, salad-like, bean-like, and, in truth, very varied herby foods.

There are vast very dry alkaline areas, and sandy heaps, innumerable clustered buttes, and washed-bare sandstone elevations. Such areas not being full of springs, and suitable for crops, will ever be sparsely populated.

The money-related enlargement, or increasing enrichment of the land tenants originates from taking in of livestock for grazing, entire purchasing and selling of horse, cow and wool-bearing sheep-like four-legged aimals, or ox from attention to scientific agriculture; from exorbitant-interest-charging contracts and usufructuary holdings; from enhancement in value of preempted land; from huntings, currency exchange charging, mining, mercantile pursuits, or commerce, and from general negotiations.

The fewness of population in some areas and neighbourhoods has a resemblance to a mere meagreness.

The life of many is pleasantly pastoral and wandering. In the townsman and many village communities the best state of society prevails. However, the hearty union of so mixed a mass, and miscellaneous simultaneous occurrence of all nationalities, as is the case in some localities, demands time. There must be a prior lopping off of aggressiveness and bad manners of some of its divisions to obtain the best state of society and prosperity. Desire for birdcatching, hunting with dogs, cockfighting, bullfighting, and roundabout rovings, must undergo a decrease. The behaviour of the major portion of the western people is, by no means, defiant, wicked, or rude, nevertheless, many are crafty, and have a great craving for catching favor, usury, the heaping together of ill-gotten money, premature purchase and entire purchase of land, and participating in festive jollities.

The ethics of many are greatly stained by the selling and drinking of strong intoxicants. Localities full with kegs of course Spanish brandy, cider brandy, drink and alcoholic malt liquor, are supported by, and crowded with tipplers, whose companions, fellow students and drinking partners are idiots, braggarts, blockheads, silly nincompoops, drunkenly sentimental wandering beggars, drunken fools, talkative drunkards, and contentious harassing litigators.

They sometimes begin their boisterous festivities with restrictive religious diets, and the eating of meat vegetable stews, seasoned pork sausage, and partly cooked sausage meat, to give a keenness to their enthusiasm for the drinking of intoxicating alcoholic drinks. As a sequence, what babble! What random guessing attempts at the solution of some vulgar puzzle! What excessive drinking and destructive drunkenness! What mutual aggressiveness issuing in bad-tempered strifes and bloody fist fights! Such meetings are earthly places where demons live.

Relative to myself; as you are aware, and for some time succeeding to my departure from home, I temporarily stayed with paternal kinsmen and maternal kinsmen, who are near-river dwellers and engaged in agriculture. The surrounding country is between rivers, full of trees and groves, and marshy. My job was at first, indoors and stationary, but afterwards became wholly outdoors. Prior to becoming accustomed to a camping mode of life, I very unwisely submitted to lying on the ground during overnight stays; which during the initial part of my camping out, and outdoor employment, in connection with nightly sprinklings with dew, poisonous vapours, and dampness of the atmosphere, generated by a want of sunbathing, were extremely fever-inducing; causing every third day shaking and feverishness. Chilling, a creeping sensation, heartburn, strange food cravings, and nausea, succeeded by tropical delirious fever, found entrance into my bodily organization. I was medicinally helped by a country-born quackish brainless pretending doctor, who, not being extra knowledgeable in the science of remedies, the science of therapeutics, the science of salvation, the science of drugs and in the imparting of discharge remedies, purgatives, and other drugs, and moreover, having erroneously diagnosed my case, greatly lessened my good digestion, and caused me to spend many sleepless nights.

In my brief dreams I endured flying arounds of fairies, evil spirits, and hateful phantoms in my brain. Upon these came about dog-like appetite, oedematous cold sweats, swollen jaws, and quinine deafness. I am now robust physically and sane mentally, or a healthy mind in a healthy body, with the exception of a slight toothache and headache, but not the slightest symptom of homesickness. Great praise to the above-world powers for the restoration of my physical organization, and for my strength and complete recovery by means of fever medicines, liver medicines, digestion medicines, burning fever medicines, and other medicines; also, disease treatments by bathing, disease treatments by muscular movements, and movement to this healthy climate.

Since my occupancy here, my functions have been book-selling, herding, farming, teaching, and negotiations. I have wandered the west regions quite extensively, and have witnessed many strange things, and new happenings.

I will now end this drawn out, offhand scribbling by bestowing to you the truth, that as yet, womanliness has not dangerously bewitched me, though I am not by any means, a woman hater or a marriage hater; affected with neither adoration of women or fear of women; thought somewhat of a friend of women. Desiring not to be shackled with marital relations, I have come to the conclusion to be wandering alone yet many years.

I shall offer no defense for difficult to read handwriting, offhand use of words, bad spellings and bad choice of words; but leaving it to you to decode, find the derivations of, and clarify, to the best of your word-defining, word-using, technical-term-treating, and language history and development abilities. I am, Most bombastically, Your former schoolmate, Ivan

Letter II,

Mirage Plateau, West

Dec. 3, 1872

Most Self-taught and Language-knowing Sir:

In my previous far-fetched letter-like written message, I tried to portray to you the local geography of the portion of the western regions. My present night time composition shall be story-telling of incidents in my uncertain experience here.

The caravan with which I travelled the western high plain, reached its destination during the dog days. Here, following the delay of several weeks, having a strong desire to travel for survey the western domain still further, I entered into a pact settled agreement as nomadic habitually travelling bookseller.

This was quite suitable with my nature; for, as you know, from my earliest youth, I have been a passionate book lover.

Receiving a shortened and abridged summary, I uttered goodbyes to my fellow travelers and began lone-wandering traveling inspection.

I now realized the fact that I was in a foreign land, unknown, a stranger, an itinerant going on foot traveler, and apparently alone, with the exception of a dog-like four-legged animal, whose biting, barking, sportive, and hunting qualities are without equal degree.

Tamed and deprived of his savage fierceness and peevishness, he has been of great use to me in his searching out of game in their lyings in concealment, burrows, or winter abiding places; and for his careful watchings. By his Cerberus-like barkings, he has kept in suspension the whole night-wandering thievish race; especially, during the night-time hours.

I burdened my back part with a leather bag for the carrying of my garments. My upper arm, or shoulder blade outer extremity jutting beyond the surface, I also burdened with an instrument consisting of woody stock and iron tube, for the killing off of winged and flying two-legged creatures, and those animals that are given to theft, or a predatory life.

With this protective outfit of accessory clothings, I took up my line of march in a north-western direction, for distant town and village communities. Increasing clearness occupied the silvery fields above; human, beasty, and other entities sustained the radiating heat of the Sun. Exhilirating sweet sounds seemed to possess entire existence in all places. Under this rising physical renewal of life I passed over uphills and downhills, until the darting forth solar heavenly light-giving body had attained noon height, pouring down upon me his heating radiations; so that my bodily organization was, in totality, subjected to redundant sweatings, necessitating me to bring my silken handkerchief into frequent need. After having participated in a cold luncheon, I submitted my body to rest in a lying on the back position; which proved very weariness-relieving, and brought about a restoration of my physical energies. Having indulged in something like drowsy stretching, at least, a sort of involuntary bodyweight exercise, I resumed the lengthening of my walking travelling, and drew out it well past dusk. Thus ended my first days walking, varied by a great many of strange things and new happenings.

But oh! My weariness and the swelling of my feet extremities! The callous and hardened skin covering rubbed off from my ankle joint processes and heel bulges. My left tendo-achilles and the back part of my right big toe extensively blistered and chafed. But you know, the beginning part of all enterprises is laborious.

Following a very luxurious evening meal, I hinted to the caterer for human and beastly animal existence that, feeling quite greatly weak in the loins, and being somewhat drowsy, I was disposed to an early bedtime reception; and requested that he point out to me a bedroom department, or dormitory, in which I might enjoy sleep-inducing quietness. I aroused from my host an obligation to cause my waking up when the dimness of the night was yielding to the clearness of the returning east-rising solar sphere. Before lying down on my couch, I submitted my feet and leg organs to a purification by a plentiful cleansing with medicinally furnished soapy detergents.

This feet bathing and ritual washing, though I yet suffered a slight twitching in my thigh organs, gave me a proneness for an indulgence of my sleepiness without intervention. In the early morning, according to contract, the inn-keeper excited me at the first melodious bell-like sounds of the young rooster. After the customary morning hand and face cleansing and wiping clean, and head combing, and a very satisfactory filling up of my stomach repository. I asked for the reckoning with him; and having duly adjusted the same, I resumed walking motion on foot. The sky-blue canopy was merging into splendor from the ascending darting forth Sun. Every being about me seemed to take delight in universal reviving. I performed my daily moving from place to place for several days; witnessing a multitude of occurrences similar to those already specified.

One day, when the Sun had reached a peak, I, being much exhausted from continuous walkings abroad, gave way to a leaning upon under an isolated, many-branched, shady tree, bordering the trail, for the purpose of exercising my chewing organs upon the contents of my journey provisions. Having furnished strength restoration by refreshment to my system, lying back on my back part, I viewed the feathery dwellers of the air in their flying around among the branches of the tree, and the deceptive mirage in the distance. Having removed shoes, I rubbed over my sore-becoming and worn by friction feet organs with an anointing waxy and oily ointment, and then, becoming overcome with sleepiness, I fell back into a post-dinner early afternoon nap. Schnell, for that was the surname of my dog friend and guard, - carefully watched. I was, however soon excited by an electrical detonation from the northern part of the horizon. So soon as my eyes had undergone opening, I realized that cloud-bearing gales were in operation, rolling up a most threatening and imminent rain storm cloud. The visible sky was rapidly becoming clouded, and darkness increasing. The curlings and forkings of the lightning strikes became bright and strong, and the thunder claps dreadful sounding. In a shortness of time there was a plentiful downpour of rain drops, which subjected me and Schnell to thorough soaking.

The water courses assumed such enlargements as might be called a local outpouring earthly catastrophe. Watery domination prevailed on earth; fiery power and thundery echoes overpowered in the cloud-bearing regions; and an overpowering windiness maintained frightful roaring in the atmosphere. The lightnings communicated their fiery power to a cabin without lightning rods, setting in it intense fire; ending in entire burning to ashes. Being uninhabited, no one fell a prey to cremation. I and Schnell had to engage in the leaping across and swimming across of several water courses; which greatly added to the heaviness of our coverings. Ultimately, as the day began to turn to evening, but before the going down of the Sun, - with foot coverings and the lower portion of my thigh clothes subjected to quite a mud bath, I arrived at a mud brick herdsman's hut.

Anthracite-like and wooden burnable things were deposited in a roomy heater, and set on fire with a lighting match, giving me an opportunity for roasting dry, or driving out of vapours. I was soon summoned to the refreshment room by bell echoes, where I found plentiful supper refreshments.

Darkness having by this time encircled our half of Earth, I soon sank into the embrace of the Roman god of sleep and dreams.

The day following the stormy evening on which I brought about the heating of my items of clothing was not very conducive to the progress of a foot-going traveler. It is true, the atmospheric regions, at first somewhat cloudy, soon became cleared from clouds; and the Sun did not radiate his sweat-causing heat so powerfully as on yesterday, but the roads had, in some places, become muddy and somewhat sticky and foul; presenting great difficulty to my incessant velocity, on account of the stickiness of the surface.

Following my frequent stops, on account of the muddy and rough condition of the trail, I had plentiful opportunity to exercise my eyes upon the aspects of the bordering regions. The bends and turns of the valleys; the rocky deep water worn gorges; the large, rough, snow crested everlasting mountain peaks; the fruitfulness of the earthy surface reaching to the watery stream curves, excited in me the greatest pleasing. I arrived one day at a place somewhat having many roads; and there being no milestone or road distance measuring stones, I soon became disoriented. In the course of my walkings abroad, my vision was treated with a western, flower-bearing savanna; having in its northern, eastern, and southern sections, a slight sinking in the ground. Its earthy surface was a perfect mellow earth, wholly not rough. In my passing across to a designated point, my attention was seized by the hearing of a very strong hissing in great nearness to Schnell. He gave a sudden leaping back. By cautious searching, I perceived a fork-tongued, frog-eating, snake-like creeping reptile, a large rattle snake, circularly lying. His skin covering was scaly, coppery, and shiny. His tail was pointed with a horny peak. Schnell made a reckless leaping upon attack upon him, but received such a hard blow upon his nose as immediately induced incessant tossing of the body. Swelling with indescribable quickness became visible in his body. Being somewhat versed in the science of poison treatments and the theory of the medical profession, I administered to him, in the utmost shortness of time, poison remedies, inflammation remedies, and other pharmacy. This treatment produced immediate reduction of swelling and recovery. Though this assault upon him did not prove fatal, yet, in his springing back from the fabled serpent he suffered the joint dislocation, or rather, the partial dislocation of his left leg; which, in his following runnings about, forced the most noisy outcries. He soon however, enjoyed complete soundness, and was freed from every traumatic trace, and relieved of all violent fixed bone pain by a pain relieving medicine. His beneath the stars life has, however, since ended. Fritz, a camp assistant of mine, a passionate lover of hunting with dogs and birdcatching, made a bird-shooting hunting tour, and induced Schnell to accompany him. On the succeeding morning, as they were drawing near a stony and rocky elevation, Schnell, in his running abouts, - at full speed, - was allured by the meat odor of a place for hiding provisions. He there by chance, met a shaggy, horse-eating, flesh-eating, fish-eating, honey-eating, insect-eating, worm-eating, fruit-eating, and man-eating bear-like four-legged animal. A terrific bloody dog and bear fight followed. In the rolling arounds of the fighters, Schnell rendered bear tailless; but bear being clawed, seized Schnell with one paw by the nose and under jaw appendage in the front of neck region, and with the other, grasped his hairy skin protective covering in the lateral part, and almost emboweled him, and quite viciously beat him. By an extra effort, Schnell effected his struggling from bear; but through out of the fight, his limping from the arena of strife, or resistance, prompted the most powerful dog howls. The torn up conditions, despite all skin healing, bone healing and scar healing appliances, and all available surgical skill, - became gangrenous. Between bones and neck swelling induced quinsy; terminating in death. He was buried respectably.

After receiving hospitality for a night and day period with a cowboy, I entered into a settled by agreement contract with him. During my apprenticeship as cowboy, though not a beginner in horsemanship, and riding galloping violently, yet, in segregating and penning long-horned cows for branding; in hodgepodge aggregations, or rodeos, and in leading out strays, - my horse riding acrobatic feats, - vaulting from the back part of bucking bronchos, - was, for a time, truly, wonderful to behold.

Eventually, in view of the flying away, or fading away of the summer and autumn seasons, and the approximation of winter coldness, and falling snowy particles, and moreover, being from the country rather than a townsman, I entered in an agreement with a western businessman of a section of land.

In conclusion, I will say, - I have today felt somewhat inclined to write, and hence, my present letter-writing is large in volume as Thucydides, and strung out like the tail of Alcibiades' dog. I have writing on the back much; annotated corrective criticisms here and there, and added so much rewording to clarify margin notes, that truly - it smells of lamp.

With usual good will Most obedient servant Ivan

Letter III,

Sunflower Valley, West

Dec. 21 1872

Most Learning Loving and Fine Penmanship Sir:

In the close of my last composed by candlelight letter-like manuscript erased clean for reuse, I gave you awareness of the truth, that at the beginning of the frosty season, I entered into an agreement with a certain western farmer. I am not skillful in the right description of things, but I will try to give to you knowledge of my position during my residing with the said brainless devilish farmer. Such severe discipline! Such a lengthening of life! The littleness of his extremely dirty, flea-bitten abode! The sooty stove with carbon fuel; the chinkiness, or opening of its walls; the thinness of the bed furniture, or protective covering, - full with blood-eating bedbugs, - are indeed weak protectives against the coldness induced by the chilling blow throughs of the north wind and south-eastern wind.

Our food, or bad food, consisted of bran cakes, unleavened oat-breads, musty sausages, jerked beef, vegetable hash, and a thin tasteless soup.

The arising from unknown causes small-headed head of the family and owner of the house, is arrogant, contentious, and possessed of a most unquestionably demonstrated self-love. He is a peculiar man - a virtuoso. A conformity to his meticulous devotion to rules, is, truly, a debatable point. He coerced me to toil during the daytime period, like a donkey, and harassed me with before day senseless babbling. He is much named, as I have given many titles to him, loud mouthed fatty blockhead coward braggart disbeliever. His perverseness, deficiency of goodness, hospitality, hatred of others, little mindedness, and abnormal ascription of human nature to God, are unnatural to his local contemporaries and the sojourners in his neighborhood.

As to his numerous-offspring-having, large bellied, golden haired, projecting-lower-jawed, pitted freckle faced onion-eating, noisy consort, I have named her, - Fatness Immodesty Amazon Scolding Woman Uncleanness. The passing of the thin Enormous cow never shudders at or causes her the least bristling of the hairs.

Having become one who acknowledges no superior, and tired with unremitting more than needed servile toil, I shortened my sleep according to independent of external authority authoritative judgment, despite all his loud sounding senseless babblings and noisiness to arouse me. This occasioned a brawl which eventuated in my stretching out a very disapproval expressing everlasting farewell to his cursed bye. This was in agreement with earnestness; for I would rather be a world-wandering than a serving mercenary, and fraternize with and be under rule, or capable of being subjected to such a brainless, abysmally ignorant a tribe as his.

I resumed wandering book selling functions, and after the progression of about a three day period subsequent to uttering my everlasting adieu to the poor quality agriculture and hut with a drastic delivered in retreat shot, I approximated an urban community; in the suburb precincts, or outskirts of which I beheld a miscellaneous collection crowd of common people, consisting of wenches, laughing girls, drabs, drudges, merry people, beggars, upstarts, old women, lovers, foul-mouthed fellows, thieves, stupid fellows, triflers, nincompoops, cosmopolitans, misers, half wits, ragtags, awkward adolescent boys, and filthy, slobbering people. All these gave attention to the slight of hand tricks of a magical and miraculous ventriloquist and fortune-teller interpreting ground markings. He made the positively asserting declaration that he could give visual full demonstration that he possessed complete cognition of fortune telling using the markings of the forehead, interior eye inspection, fortune telling using markings on the hand, searching for underground water using a dowsing rod, fortune telling using small bones or dice, fortune telling using numbers, fortune telling using smoke rising from a fire, and fortune telling using letters of a name. He asserted that he was a skilled interpreter of dreams, knife swallower, and rope walker.

The fortune telling and unfolding of the future terrestrial allotments of the crowds that surrounded this falsely-all-knowing narrator of wonderful things, caused singular phases in their faces. Those who, by a looking either into watery liquids, or upon the knots of a rod or upon the wrinkles of their hand extremities, or by any other media of foretelling or prophecy, were favored with a perception of their future happiness, became leaping with delight, and emitted the most noisy hysterical laughter; whilst others, beholding either their proximity to the admitting no return boundary, or much bitterness mixed with the evolutions of the filaments of their earthly life, became quite deeply thoughtful, melancholic, complaining, pessimistic, and worsened.

Leaving the prophetic surpriser and his tricked victims, and desiring the deletion of ignorance, as also the filling of my money purse with money, whilst passing the winter, - for, as you know, without money all is vain - I decided to demonstrate my aptitude for teaching by becoming a preparative schoolmaster; and hence, I entered into a reciprocal contract as countryside teacher. So soon as the necessary signatures could be secured to the double wage-receiving writing signed by both parties to a contract, I entered the schoolhouse, and assumed teaching and useful teaching functions.

About the time of my becoming an instructing educator of frontier children, I resorted to a shady camping containing many listeners; addressed by a preacher. The dry autumnal season; the dense gloomy shade of the small brush; and the important occasion of the bringing together, were tending to the rousing of strict devotion, or funereal emotions. The deportment, appearance, and facial aspects of the preachers present, furnished a strengthening of the already generated solemnity.

The former part of the officiating preacher's existence had been rather winding and changeful. His youthfulness had been stained with many vicious, worthless excesses and wicked abominations. At the termination of his adolescence, he became a scoundrel, a sponge, a teacher, a surveyor, a razor grinder, a watch repairer, and a wanderer of everywhere under the profession of specialist in foot care, underground water detector, and metalworking journeyman. By an obscure and imaginary heavenly influence, he was speedily transformed into an inspired sentimental religionist; and he transferred the keen insight of his mental vision from secular and earthly objects, into cryptic and deep learned parts of the saintly writings. Filled with obsession for books, he was inclined to fortune telling by books. He was a thorough faith believing opposer of baptism and grave and gloomy person; and I may add, a mere pretender in theology, - an experimenting peculiar selfish person. His sacred treatise was on the approach of the millenarian conflagration of this earth, or great world, based on the prophetic parts of the sacred writings.

His manner of address was unique.

Not withstanding his boasted education late in life, the illiteracy and rudeness of the previous part of his life was very translucent. His intonations were sorrowful, and in the mobility of his body he resembled a rope walker. In his style of speaking, his vocal powers ascended from an almost inaudible whisper to croaking, and from croaking to bad sounding crying out as made him drool, and was powerful enough to tear into pieces his throat. His voice lowering terminated in mere harsh whispers. His faulty imitation of Whitefield was quite perceptible. In his explanation of the prophetic portion of the saintly writings in relation, regarding the end of the world, - to the millennial finale of this earthly structure, he made certain occurrences chronologically synchronous, or at the same time, which interpreters and authentic authorities on history greatly taken away from each other. In his computations in relation to prophetic events, he showed a contempt of all insertions into a calendar.

He gave a mystically interpretative, imaginary, and incomprehensible interpretation to prophetical icons, which all mental explainers have pondered as literal. In truth, his heretical sacred treatise was so full with windings and turnings, fantastically falsified mistakes, datings of events before they happened, equalities in duration, datings of events after they happened, and incorrect reasonings, that the entirety of the matter became doubted, having two meanings, and quite nonsensical to me, notwithstanding the fact his sapient winkings in the formation of his pedantic adherences to rules, seemed to exhibit his full persuasion of confidence of assurance that the proximity of the conflagration was no longer a state of being doubtful, or thought unifying irreconcilable problem. His encouraging summing up, seized the credulity of his uneducated listeners, and greatly aroused.

The high level ground of encampment was fivefold. The one regarding, or in front of the pulpit, having a partition for separation, had a straw-like or chaff-like surface for the occupancy of the follower and seekers. In nearness to this, were dualistic departments for the courteous, respectable, and sophisticated hearers. Posterior to these, were the two-sexed, noisy crowd of low people, or common people. The male department of the latter was full with - scoundrels, insignificant fellows, tramps, mean fellows, flatterers, dancers, fops, rag tags, dissolutes, impertinents, half wits, upstarts, revelers, and fools.

The feminine department was stocked with coquettes, flirts, gadders, servants, foppish girls, fast girls, flatterers, possibly unchaste women, sycophants, and awkwardly tall women.

The occupants of these two departments mutually winked at their sweetheart, and exhibited the most scornful behavior towards the preacher. Indeed, the merriment, conversation, and unruliness of this crowd were a great most important point to the near listeners. At this unemotional crowd, the all around seeing, sharp eyed preacher made very powerful effort.

Although in this introductory part of his discourse, he denied even a wish not strong enough to lead to action towards strife with any of his contemporary fellows, yet he chided the doctrine that matter is God, Islam, and Catholicism; and rebuked image worshipers.

His intense feelings became apparent in his enumeration of parts, and as he approximated the final speech, or encouraging part, and striking conclusion of his sermon.

His exhortation was ardent. I will append to the foregoing description an extract from my proposed route of travel as noted down by me by shorthand.

My dear disciples: - I beg you to cherish right feeling, and a full enjoyment of religion. Obey no longer your inborn wicked inclinations. Enter upon capacity for religious affections, and deny your worldliness. You can yet have a foretaste, yea, a tasting beforehand of a better existence.

O ye unemotional lukewarm people in religion! Soon, - it may be of the present day, - your soul and body conflict will terminate and your faith be transformed into fruition. Avoid all fashionableness and backsliding; and to this end, search out the saintly writing with unwavering continuousness in relation to the truth of these announcements. Distinguish yourselves from all ridiculous crowds of common people, and seek heavenly unfading treasures. Have your open lamps and flaming torches brightly burning, and avoid carelessness. But O, ye evil doers, sycophantic parasites, and sycophants; ye dirty lewd fellows, mean wretches, drunkards, flirts, and possibly unchaste women! What inciting shall I impart to you? You all lie under divine curses, and your belo stars existence is truly on trial and temporary. Divest yourselves of your lack of goodness, religious indifference, thoughtlessness, and bad conduct. Goodness is obtained by petition. Consider your great distance from good feeling, and unable to be narrated sequences of your unreadiness from the approaching sudden calamity.

O, ye arrogant dandies! Tread on the glittering ornaments of your persons, and suppress your futilities, and foolish talk. Ye dancers! Stop your dances. Ye drunkards! Strike out your bottles, and deny yourselves of your drunkenness, and lying practices. Ye gaily dressed dandies, and insignificant fellows; and ye glittery flirts! Cast off your shining, silken clothing, and your trinkets, and cease your irrational hair curlings. And O, ye greedy and fraudulent hunks! Ye Earthborn tribe! Desist from your needless toil and feelings of irritability.

Come ye all into the straw-like department opposite the pulpit. Bend inwards your knee joints, and perform kneeling. Beseech that you may obtain by prayer a cleansing from all your wicked offenses that require expiation and disgusting acts, and become sin free. If you refuse to come, you will be in a trial to suffer unreturnable banishment to the fearfully dark underworld infernal and gloomy regions of Hell, where your devout wishes and cries for help will be useless, and horrendous brimstone flames will roll and whirl about you, and unending remorse will torment you eternally.

At this critical moment in time, the inflow into the chaffy department became ample and rapid. Outcries, crying, and noisy bellowings became apparently, everywhere at once. The confused mixture, uproar, and agitation of the congregation were, according to my standard of religious articles of faith, very discordant, and out of place, and therefore, I made my exit.

Following this, I enjoyed eating together with this preacher at a self-indulgent feast, where he showed himself an expert anatomist of birds, and a learned master of the art of dining and extensively learned scientist of diet, but indicated his undeprived bondage to the art of preparing and eating good food.

Consider this a sufficiency of my mysterious high-sounding language for the present,

I am, Most friendly and compliantly, Ivan

Letter IV,

Gopher Field, West

Jan. 15, 1873

Most Self-taught and School Teaching Sir: -

As my vocabulary of pretentious and long words with multiple syllables is not yet exhausted, I again dip my feathery tool of the art of writing into inky fluid for another pouring out of letter-like inflated style of writing.

A few fortnights before the arrival of the winter season, I, in assocation with Fritz, - a familiar good friend of mine, returning from a between the mountains hunting excursion, caught sight in the neighborhood of a town community, an ample concourse of the common people in an undisguised, tall, and leafy grove, giving attention to a political wise from age speech giver.

He was a seventy year old; and being a candidate, he was a seeker for their votes at their nearest voting by ballot, for legislative dignity.

He was wrinkled, thick skinned, slightly blind, short legged, slow, and affected with partial deafness, dimness of sight, feebleness of age, and perceptible peculiarity.

Old words, foreign words, obsolete and obsolescent lingo, and excessively devoted super patriotism, characterized his advisory speech to the crowd.

He located the preference of himself to his competitors, upon the achievements of the former part of his existence; upon his knowledge of financial, studies of wealth, and judicial law; upon his agreement with the primordial and immaculate democracy; and especially upon his deterioration due to age and far seeing recognition of a past mistake.

In the enumeration of his achievements, he furnished a visual demonstration, that he was of an illustrious and noble family. His grandfather and uncle had both been mighty in war, and of his ancestors had been associate with the lawgivers of our nation during the formation of the national political union, and rendered much auxiliary service. He was himself a former very brave commander, or commander of many men of a company of troops, and for many years, endured the harshness of army marching encampment, and wielded the sword in many resounding with arms battle strifes, upon blood-flowing battlefields.

These things were not boastfully spoken. He asserted that his knowledge of finance had been useful to the federal compact on various emergencies. He made the declaration that an enlargement of the tariff upon foreign commodities would induce remote governments to kickback by passing prohibitory laws in relation to us; and as a sequence, a cutting off of our foreign merchants would occur.

His advocacy of a decrease of the tariff upon foreign merchandise was very forcible. His agreement with the primeval democracy, and his hard earned experience from adolescence to a great advance in age, were very very clear.

His main principles are:- The decrease of all extravagances and high living in controlling operations, especially the needless salaries of the governmental functionaries; the overthrow of monied political clubs; the repeal of all the bad laws of the present rulers; the stopping of the trade on borrowed media; the enactment of equal laws; the thrusting away of wickedness in the lower ranks by the enactment of healthful laws; the deletion of popular ignorance, by the erection of schoolhouses of all gradations. In the inferior, or preparative, superior and ulterior of which should be taught, - good spelling, the art of writing, good pronunciation, the philosophy of virtue, the philosophy of what fundamentally exists, the philosophy of human life, the science of human passion, the science of dining, the science of eye diseases, the science of duty, the science of earth formation, geography, geology, the science of earth's structure, knowledge of the soil, mineralogy, animal describing, the science of rotary motion, taxidermy, the science of air, the study of grasses, economics, the practice of distance measuring, hydrodynamics, the study of tribe customs, gymnastics, psychology, the study of diets, the study of electrical phenomena in organisms, and knowledge of the nature of man.

He repeated the declaration, that he was not a seeker for a participation in the administration of the federation in view of union; but rather, from an irrepressible conviction that a mutation in the ruling powers should take place; that the extravagances and bestowal of gifts of the in office rulers have put into operation a weakening of former good laws; that his former good natured patience was exhausted; that, though living a long time, he had never, in any former part of his life below the stars being, perceived such a need for a cutting short of national exceptions as in this present century. He made the indication, that the present bad laws and aspect of the federation was most saddening to him; and that, as a statesman, he had the most gloomy forebodings of disastrous sequences in view of the bad management, robberies, and treachery of the governing party; that he had an insatiable craving to witness the restoration and predominance of pure Washingtonian and Jeffersonian democracy, or mob rule; and never, government by the rich.

In the previous, or introductory part of his speech, the orator at times spoke unintelligibly somewhat, but he soon became pompous. His old age, and the traces of former civility, furnished an excuse for his frequent belches and spittings.

His closing speech was pithy, and abounded in lofty speaking, eloquence, severely critical and caustic satirical writing.

I will add a simplified version of it as shorthandedly jotted down in my notebook.

O, my fellow countrymen and my representative voters! Do you not catch sight of a crisis in your below the stars life, in which you should dispel your deathly thoughtlessness, and think beforehand your voting by ballot? Remember you are possessing full power, aye, having power to do many things to strangle the harmful habits and abuses of the in office rulers. Mighty in battle to prevent a new group of parasitic petty politicians to feast together upon you like so many bloodsuckers upon stupid animals. My competitors are nothing but experimenting advocates of new laws, amateurish upstarts, moderns, blown up beginners to their party, fops; fond of show making, and unwilling to labor. They are far more understanding and knowledgeable in dangling about women than in civil economics jurisprudence. Their chief aim is to be the fashionable world, and fatten their lean little worlds on the tax of the people. They are mere dishonest vulgar mouths and pleasers of the vulgar to a radical faction; mere cunning statesmen, whose speeches are nothing but flattery and alluring leading of common people.

They are as foolish of true citizenship as the Russian absolute ruler is of riffraff. I entreat you, my senile and junior democrats, to renew the contest for the overthrow of radicalism, and for the rehabilitation of primordial general equality in the republic. Recall to your remembrance the promises of the present rulers and their entire emptiness. Would you not rather be under a government by old men, a government of new officials, a government by the military, a government where all rule equally, or even a government by women, than under flattering radicalism and republican government ruled by honor? I conjure you to be hustlers in your resistance to radical subjection. I beseech you to throw aside your before now sluggishness; to naturalize the aliens, and be on the move.

Let the standard bearers go before the walking column with flying banners inscribed with - "GOOD LAWS AND GENERAL EQUALITY!"

Let all the voters advance to the arena of voting by ballot for the snatching away of the security of the majority from the abuses and treachery of the in office rich governors.

Let the radicals tremble with fear like Belshazzar, and realize ubiquitous deprivation of authority, rejection, political banishment and public disgrace!

This exhortation made the whole assembly excited, and brought forth an applause powerful enough to rend one's ear drums.

The political assembly then dispersed.

At this point, Fritz, - my chum, - encountered the address of an officer with a writ of arrest or summons for him to appear at the next court of justice to give answer to certain criminal charges made known by a certain ranchman, accuser.

He charged Fritz of secret taking away, driving away, shipping and selling of black cattle. This seemed to affect Fritz like thunder and lightning; and at first, greatly saddened him. In a foreign land, without many good friends, he was in great depression relative to his situation. He however, found a bondsman. The day of thorough investigation, - court day - soon arrived. Fritz, being a stranger, unknown, with limited monetary resources, a lawyer became the voluntary defender of his cause.

This bodily physique was tall and handsome, and his manner, cultured. Widely knowledgeable in frivolous litigation and the study of truth; perceiving everything, all-wise, narrowly examining, and observant with the study of human nature, the study of human character from faces, and logical reasoning. Without doubt, he was an expert, a lover of truth, an extensively learned person who discusses any subject at pleasure, and a member of supreme court.

His reply to introductory speech of the little headed lawyer for the plaintiff, was in accord with true pleading dialectics, and was such a powerful making void of the false reasonings of his contradicter, that all suspense relative to Fritz's being a thief was put out.

The legal expert for the state was a mere quackish buyer of lawsuits. His ghastly, wrinkled, unnatural, and warty face; his flattened nose; his swollen out lips; his long-headed, curly, somewhat frizzy, ill shaped head; his near sightedness and squinting; his toothless, tobacco-like mouth; his long jawed, bearded jaw; his lean body; the thinness and leanness of his long legs; all showed beforehand his stupidity, and was fundamental evidence that he was not even a mediocre person, but a mere unlearned, not technically skilled, meddlesome wrangler and stubborn strife maker. His ignorance of ancestral court proceedings, and study of truth, and his overuse of words and his repetition of words imparted to his handling of the subject of his cause a vagueness which rendered it unimportant to his jury.

The speech introduction, or introductory part of his opening of the accusation was circuitous, and far fetched. His inability was self-evidently conspicuous in the bringing forward, administering oaths, and questioning of these false witnesses.

They were a lying clique, and their presentations of testimony were very inharmonious, and devoid of all joint attestations. In truth, the lying of some of the testifiers was so clear that Fritz's defender obtained from the judge, or justice of the peace, the right of verification of oaths, by the bringing forward of supplemental evidence relative to some of them as witnesses. In this bringing forth of aiding testimony, no persons swearing to veracity of others appeared. In the final half of his speech, there was no connection of strengthening circumstances, but a mere patchwork of imaginary accusations, which could never constitute a trifle of any wicked offense that requires expiation or disregard of law in Fritz.

After many needless repetitions of mere nonsense, he began to flatter the jury relative to their intellectual qualification to sift out Fritz's evil doing, and decide judicially to send him to a prison, and have him there walled in and securely locked up; or impose a fine on him to such a monetary amount as to make the obtaining of the guarantor unworkable; thereby effecting his banishment from the neighborhood.

Thus he wasted time; and such was his stupidity, nonsense, unsophisticatedness, and the cloudiness of his brains, that he could not perceive the mocking deriding of his hearers.

He seemed to be unfriendly and embittered towards Fritz in his rural dress, through mere judging character from external appearance.

The reply of Fritz's attorney to this banter, notwithstanding his few words, was overpowering, refuting, very forceful, and full of the most caustic satirical writing. He made clear all the knotty aspects in the criminal accusation, and showed Fritz's dove-like innocence; that the accuser's witnesses were a most untruthful lying clan; that the accusation contained an abundance of falsehoods and slanders; and that the plaintiff was an egotistical learned fool, and apathetic criminal; prompted wholly in the accusation by an invincible hatred for mankind and hatred of culture; and that he was entitled to a nothingness, or state of being nowhere. In truth, that the entire procedure was illegal; and that, from things previously known, and precedence he demanded not only an absolving judgement of not guilty, an unforced setting free and clearing oneself. Not only so, but a considerable monetary indemnification for injury, as Fritz's absolute, and just and natural right.

The decision, or verdict of the court was useful to Fritz. In a jiffy, the whole assembly emitted into the aerial vault the most outcrying and congratulatory bellowing, and poured out upon the ranchman the excessively plentiful abundance of their anger. The revisers and journalists gave Fritz's arraignment and trial, publishing and divulging; which invested him with very important and indestructible notoriety.

More quickly.

Most unchangingly, Your friend Ivan.

Letter V,

Sagebrush Water Course, The West

February 19, 1873

Most skillful in writing and unselfish Sir:-

Being again moved with something like an itch for writing, I call into order my writing desk materials to precisely outline for you, in all minor details, my experience at a luxurious marriage buffet, and the accompanying important results.

Fritz and I returning from a negotiatory trip to the western main city, arrived, in the afternoon part of the day, in a neighborhood.

Having approached a lodging house of impressive and pleasing appearance, we discovered that every accompanying thing of the establishment was undergoing a general purification. All the odd-job assistants about the fine farm were diligently employed. I made a cautious gradually progressing surveying tour of inspection to the rear department of the building, where I caught sight of the most bloody scenes. There took place the killing of birds by beheading; of calf-like, sheep-like, curly tailed, pig-like, and other hairy and woolly four legged animals, by the drawing out of their blood. Some of the feathered and winged two footed animals were undergoing plucking or deprivation of their coverings by plucking.

Some of the bristly and hairy four footed creatures were in a process of skinning, and others subject to a hair removal process, and weighing.

The nearness of these operations to my visual powers, evoked in me the conviction that a feast was near at hand; and being somewhat thorough and inquisitive, I received awareness that on the next day a wedding feast was to occur.

In casual conversation with the talkative and welcoming host prior to late evening reception, Fritz and he produced, in the progress of their conversation, mutual and undoubted family descending proof, that they stood in relation of cater cousins to each other. In consequence of his great seniority to Fritz, and his early moving out from home, they had prior to that evening been in a state of ignorance to each other.

Our agreeableness of manners, and his great civility and hospitality, as well as his same-bloodedness to Fritz brought forth from him an invitation to us to participate in the merriment of the approaching wedding.

The parties to be concatenated were his senior daughter and a country-born gentleman village.

On the wedding day, at the hourly designation, the guests arrived at the mansion, in wagons, buggies, and other vehicular conveyances; upon saddle horses, ordinary horses, jades, Mexican ponies, donkeys, and horse crosses with abnormally lengthened ears. There were, also, many walkers.

The junior folk of both genders exhibited themselves in the best state of their attire.

Ultimately the preacher who was to bind the parties lasting binding marriage tie with the unbreakable shackles of the god of marriage, arrived.

He was between 80 and 89 years old. His dark clothes; his mournful appearance; the wrinkledness of his face; his bald cranium; the roundness of his person; the graceful slenderness of his legs; and his flask shaped nose, engaged my eyes exceedingly.

He united the interests of the loving pair by Roman marriage ceremony, and immediately after the marriage, resounding bell ringings from the communal dining room, anounced a change in the programme. In a shortness of time, the doors of the dining room were made open, and the table board loaded with various foods, delicacies, sweetmeats, and in truth an excess of various edible foods, displayed itself to dazzled eyes and inclined to eat mouths. This table was soon surrounded by churls, clowns, blockheads, clumsy fellows, deceivers, carefree men, ranchmen, herdsmen, bull fighters, rude girls, misers, simpletons, talkative city women, lady's waiting-maids, townsmen, country folks, modest handsome girls, beautiful girls, flower adorned fair lasses, officious people, cowards, roving people, agriculturists, upstarts, drunkards, beauties, intellectual women, and blushing misses of indescribable beauty.

So soon as a solemn supplication for a blessing by the preacher, came to be known, table forks, and all implements for the transportation of various food from the table to mouths, were on the move and producing sound. Such prodigal expense of food; such wolfish greediness, gluttony, greedy swallowing and greediness; such eating of anything and eating of everything; and such a change and flying away of foods, had never fallen under my vision in any prior part of my life beneath the moon. Truly, reminiscent of Byron's O, ye 'tough insides' of reapers!

The bean-like and other edible supplies had undergone thorough boiling. The fine wine and other fit for drink liquids had been well sweetened. The hashes, hodgepodge, meat vegetable stews, and potpourri, were all well preserved, and were delightful; giving quite a keenness to the appetite of the eaters.

After the stomachs of all had been duly fed beyond desire, and the things belonging of the table board had been removed, a marriage song and other musical pieces written for a solo voice with orchestral accompaniment in an opera or cantata and little songs were chanted by the junior portion of the drunkards. This part of the programme was unceremoniously interrupted by a very noisy riotous parade-like mock serenade by an hodgepodge crowd of common people of the surrounding districts.

We all then took sitting together in a spacious hall-like saloon. Fritz and I were soon the centers of attention and objects of their suggestive glances, as foreign aliens in their midst. I saw them wink and whisper, and they seemed much amused at our recent appearance among them. We, however, disregarded their foolish gigglings. When the parson had withdrawn, they began dancing, which some performed with considerable nimbleness; especially, the leader of the dance.

Those of the feminine gender, appeared in the best state of their attractions. The wigs of some had undergone much unique and artistic frizzing; and the head hairy fibres of others had been so curled by the instruments of barber hairdressers, as to resemble the winding curls of the tail of a pig. Their hats were gorgeously adorned with bright feathers, and exaggerated and brilliantly ornamented. Their silky handkerchiefs and silky handkerchiefs were brilliant and highly odorous. Their faces had been marked with red and stained with paint. Indeed they exhibited such flirtation that almost affected me with women hatred.

Fritz and I entertained a knot of guests with entrancing music portions upon the jew's harp; and with clever remarks, quips, and puzzles with language encoded as pictures; and rendered other assistance, to the best of our peculiar qualifications; but we did not dance, or participate in any senseless talk.

When all had received satisfaction as to the varied amusements, especially, dancing-related indulgence, the ingroup disbanded. At one time, all were hugely shaken up by the diffusion of some powdered stinking tobacco on the floor.

I indulged in a continuance with Fritz's genial and hospitable kinsman for the long duration of a fortnight.

During this delay, I witnessed much of a very significant importance.

The excess and overfeeding of various food-related substances engorged into empty and lacking nutritive value stomachs during the marital festivity, were extremely disease producing, and some of the guests were ferried, - willing or unwilling, - by the ferryman at the river Styx, over the river in the lower world.

The disease causing character of the diseases became manifest variously in their physical organization. Some were seized with a headache from an overloaded stomach; some with nightmare; others with indigestion, vomiting, migraine, nosebleed, or bloody flowing outs from their nostrils; some were affected with gum and liver swelling and soreness of eyes; others were beset with a trance-like state with loss of voluntary motion and failure to react to stimuli, sudden fainting, succeeded by jerking agitations; in others were generated difficulty with respiration, difficulty with swallowing, expanding of the membrane surrounding the heart and inflammation of the lungs, induced by dancing and breathing in of powdered tobacco.

Couriers were sent on a special mission from all parts of the village community to secure supports of the medicine sellers, surgeons, physicians, and even the choice of taking all offered or nothing quacks and those without method.

In their diagnoses and predictions, and their discovering exciting causes, and prescribing, there was no similarity. Not all of them were professionally versed and skilled in pharmacology, and the medical and surgical departments of the science of diseases; - the science of disease causes, the science of disease causes, morbid anatomy, the science of symptoms, and therapeutics; and as a sequence, some of them shot wide of the mark as to human passion science symptoms.

When I brought my inquiring healing battery to bear upon one of them, I discovered he could not differentiate among diseases - wide spreading, locally spreading, and irregularly spreading; infectious and contagious.

The one who officiated in the vicinity of the fine farm, imparted the following prescriptions:-

For migraine and soreness of the eyes, - acupuncture, and scarring on the skin covering of the head; for fainting, the passing out of the ruby red fluid by vein cutting, or surgical incision into the vein; for leaping agitations, a sweat-related perspiration producers, and sleep producers; for nose bleeding, astringent drugs applied to the nasal organ that carries off waste matter; for abscesses, - clayey smearing of the body; for the nightmare, indigestion, and headache from an overloaded stomach, - medicines against nightmares, skin rubbing acupuncture, and warming blistering plasters; for ilium and bowel related feelings of irritability, - strong old beer mixed with ginger and cayenne pepper; for inability to swallow, - incision through the oesophagus; for breathing difficulties, - incision through the windpipe.

Should all these fail, or prove useless, he insisted on an application, as a substitution medicine and helping medicine, of an infusion, or boiling out of ivy-like and other roots and barks, which, cleansed of dregs by filtering, or straining, and well sweetened, would lose its unpleasantness and become totally harmless. With this decoction-resembling treatment should be connected discharge promoting medicines, or drastic medicines opening body ducts and medicines inducing vomiting. Repetitions of very warming blistering plasters, and plentiful incision into a vein should be diligently drawn out until the patient became almost bloodless and faint, anemic and deathlike - seen with one's own eyes lifeless. Should a patient, from sweating, bloodletting, blisterings, and other skin appliances, became sweltering, applications of watery sprinklings upon the epidermis, should be diligently secured.

He asserted that these medicinal appliances would have the most health producing syndrome; and that after a decrease of the patient's obesity by strict fasting, his cleansed, wasted away, and debilitated system might be restored with heart medicines and digestive medicines. He repeated the assertion that from the proficiency in the study of blood vessels and lymphatics, the study of drug effects and mechanisms of action, the study of nutrition, the study of disease treatment, and medicines which slow the course of an illness, he knew the employment of this medicinal treatment would make restoration to health certain.

He pledged his truthfulness that the patient would be invested with an almost unfading bloom; and that, in his account with them, he would not be conscientiously exacting as to gainful reward. In polar opposition to his healing skill and the rectifying treatment with universal remedies, medicines that have many uses, and neutral placebos, some of the diseases were deadly, and several of the younger folks were soon incurably at death's door, and made their exit for the returnless goal, - The space through which souls pass to Hades and the realms of spirits.

The quack's drugs were so stupor inducing and fatal, that the victims of his clumsiness, in the finality of their life on Earth, were favoured with easy death.

The merry-making of the marital feasting merged into mournful aspects. Splendid attire were succeeded by jet black miscellaneous articles of funeral rites; and the musical composition based on religious texts of joy were followed by funereal feasts and funereal songs. And O, the falling tearful outpourings of the convulsed and earnestly crying crowd!

The doctor mixed together with the sighing mournful crowd in the march to the graveyard for the burial of the deceased people; by notwithstanding his tearful affected sorrow, he maintained the most astounding indifference and calmness.

After the burial of the remains of the dead, he exhibited his blank pieces of paper with signatures, varied with multiple numerical additions; - most by eyesight evident of his profit seeking, very desirous, and deceitful inclinations. After filling his money purse, he made his disappearance.

Most truly and dictionary making, Your friend, Ivan

Letter VI,

Mesquite Grove, West

June 1, 1873

Most book loving Sir:-

In the concluding part of my primary pretentious letter, I communicated to you the truth, that womanliness had not charmed me. Not so, however, as to my chum, Fritz. He does not believe that - to love and be wise is scarcely permitted even to a god; - and consequently, he is about to become a person recently married, by being bound with marital shackles. He will doubtless soon be the blissful occupant of his own fine farm, surrounded by the greatest of paradise-like under the heaven happiness.

Without much indirectness, I will give you the string of circumstances leading to the present status of his love making venture, - and in the first place, give you a brief life history sketch of Fritz.

He was, during his adolescence, a dweller by the sea.

His ancestral occupancy was neighboring to the maritime sections of this splendid columbian republic, where the denseness of population and the highness of the means for the sustainment of life, necessitated those who had, by extremely difficult and invincible difficulties, become impoverished, to move out to the unoccupied portions of our western domain.

Often he could not avoid the discharge of the most grave sighs in view of the melancholic aspects of his native neighborhood, and of the ungovernable approach of the twisting from the laborers, of the media of obtaining a livelihood, by deluxe companies controlling trade.

However thorough in any minor occupation, but few could participate in the reception of correspondent financially rewarding recompense.

The unstopping gradually and spontaneously growing density of the beyond the mountains population forced the owners of land to such constant repeated ploughings and seed sowings of their farms for the drawing out of rooty, herby, pulsey, and wheaty and grainy cereals, that earthy barrenness, even of the most fertile soils, inevitably resulted.

Not only so, but the cutting up of the farms into narrow, many cornered, and many sided fragments, made them too narrow for occupancy. A mature deliberation upon the growing together aggregations of the inconveniences in prospect for his native land, brought him to the impulse to act to effect a separation of himself from the localities that witnessed the sportive pranks of his youth, and acquire for himself a permanent residence in the roomy west. The announcement of his decision imparted a mournful phase to the countenances of his fatherly and motherly, or rather, - stepmotherly, - relations; but illuminated smiles upon the faces of his enemies.

When the painful moment arrived when his departure was to take its beginning, his cousins, paternal kinsmen and maternal kinsmen, in conjunction with many of his nearby contemporary fellows, congregated about him. His parents were strongly opposed to behold their entire bereavement; and the rest, because his migration subjected them to the loss of an aiding neighbor.

The decrees of the destiny controllers have been quite favorable to him since his presence in the west.

A very wealthy blood related uncle relative, - an unmarried person, and a person between ninety and ninety-nine years old, - having terminated his life beneath the Sun, willed to Fritz all his earthly possessions. He also received his ancestral inheritance. The sum total, which was not inconsiderable, enabled him to effect the purchase of a fine farm.

The field like and garden like enclosures are very abundantly producing and fruitful. The mansion is palace like. The small farm is beautiful and attractive.

Many-parted and many-kinded flower-bearing, nut-bearing, apple-bearing, pear-bearing, plum-bearing, and other fruit-bearing trees and plants are not wanting. Here he can, unannoyed by buzzing puncturing piercings, and other blood-eating leeches and small animals, indulge his inborn sleepiness, and enjoy high quality idleness, self-rulingly.

The interior belongings and decorations of his dwelling is in unison with the exterior aspect, and this drew out from him the full persuasion that he was still under lack of furnishments whilst lacking a housekeeper, and unassociated with one of the rib kind. His women fearing lessened most clearly, and his desire for the married state became quite powerful. His feelings of sexual desire drove him to frequent a fair-like occasion, where, perhaps, he ogled for the first time, at his prospective spouse. He spotted her in association with a law student, - a would be politician, - whose stupidity and little mindedness was visible in all behavior.

An arrow-shaped piercing through his heart sac effected such a clearness in his eyes, that he beheld a thousand of charms in her beautiful physique. Her rosy lips; her lily-like skin; her graceful locomotive organs; and her flowing with honey and sweetly speaking talkativeness, most dangerously enamored him, and divested him of all self-sufficiency.

Having effected a mutual conversation with her, he found spontaneity of mutual conversation to be mutual; for the erotic crossbowman had moved to action his bent-cross bow and hurled an arrow-like arrow having rotary motion into her affections also; but the riddance of the law student from her companionship was the point of exactness of his mental perturbations. The debatable point induced upon him the most weakening loss of appetite and love sickness; but having a foresight that the petty politician's politeness to her was rather impermanent, he brought him into contact with a talkative, attractive city lady, which effected a withdrawing of all his former friendly civility to Miss Amenity. Having thus separated the fop from her society, he - making me his confidant, and enlisting my auxiliary assistance, - dispatched to her a love letter somewhat after the following diction and manner of expression:-

Most beloved and most courteous Miss; -

Desiring not to be circuitous in the introductory part of this letter, and omitting all unnecessary apologies, I will announce to you that I have an inclination to assume the married state, and that, since our recent face to face conversation, I have fallen into a love which has elicited this romantic letter to you, and forced the conviction that you are the rare person in companionship with him the sweets and bitters of my beneath the stars life might be happily sustained. Therefore, my preference of you, and my great desire to impart to you a definite chain of the prior requirements, customs, and habits of her in whose association I am to extend my under the heavens career in this rough and cunning world to the time of my death.

Primarily, her physical structure must be of high stamina and sound. She must not be a very small person, nor of more than medium height; neither bony, nor encumbered with an excess of fatty tissue. Her physique must be beautiful, and her face comely and gleaming as Venus herself. Her articulations must be sweetly flowing and nice sounding as those of the nightingale. Her walking must be quick and graceful. She must never use face paint nor dress for show. She must beautify herself but never envelope herself in downy, or silken attire and glittering clothes, except on church, fair-related, and holiday occasions. She must not be going from house to house, nor talkative; and never become a person who is curious to know everything going on. Never be frumpish nor bold. She must exhibit appropriate chastity and silence in the presence of strangers.

She must be knowledgeable in the usage of inoffensive substitution expressions, and never divulge in secrets.

The avoidance of soapy cleansers and other cleansing media to avoid bodily offensive odor, and a premature wrinkled face, and apparent old-womanishness, must never characterize her. She must possess unending good natured tolerance, and never affect any swooning in any sudden fright. Smoking, belching, and immoderate hiccuping, and yawning, must not be indulged in, in my presence.

She must be skilled in housekeeping, and in such fortunetelling as divination by flowers, divination by mice, divination by fire, divination by smoke, and divination by mirrors; deft in the process of making bread, and in the preparation of many-kinded and many-formed light meals; qualified in kneading, and the making of cakes of buckwheat and other cereals; skilled in the confection of delicacies, cheese cakes, fine flour cakes, sweetmeats, and in truth, knowing and skillful in the making of many-kinded foods in the cooking department. Also, she must be well versed as to the chemical constituents of soapy substances, and exhibit skillfulness in manufacturing same; and at times operate the machine for forming threads. She must not be unduly affected with fondness for flowers, but instead, occupy her leisure time in patchwork; and be not too proud to oversee the incubation of fowl-like birds which are able to run about and obtain their own food as soon as hatched, and impart to their downy and noisy offspring abundant fattening nourishment.

To all mouse-like four-legged animals, and all worm-producing, abounding in fleas, and flea-like multi-legged animals, and minute organisms, and to all blood-eating bedbugs about the premises, she must be unmercifully bringing death.

She must inhibit all unnecessary noisy bellowings and cryings out among the little fellows, and diligently refine all the lady's waiting maids, and all the handmaids and odd-job assistants under her control.

In finale, she must be skilled in all kinds of work and know that I am a totalitarian acknowledger of no superior in my own residence. I am favorable to a joint rule or a system with two rulers, but directly opposed and combating to all female ruling.

I have foreknowledge that the foregoing enumerated aggregation of physical, ethical, and economical qualifications have a more spacious roomy lodgment in you than in any other of your gender that has fallen under my vision; and in view of it, I tender to you for your acceptance the girdle of the god of marriage.

In conclusion, if you can make return for the right feeling which drew out romantic letter-like outpouring, a favorable reply will most truly, invest me with unable to be narrated delight.

With measureless love, Most passionately loving, yours, Fritz.

A response, as follows, was granted.

Most persuasive Sir:-

I am the receiver of your most unexpected complimentary passionately loving letter.

After a careful reading and consideration of its important significance, which greatly perturbed my usual sleepiness, I know, having my medium tranquility, briskly impart to you a response.

I am still unmarried, though having arrived at the age of womanhood, and hence, suitable for marriage for several years. I have had countless enticements to enter into a married state, but I have, as yet, avoided all biting at the allurements coming from your gender: and all traps, and all alluring betrothal gifts from crowd pleasing lovers. Whatever might happen, I have been prepared for action against a falling down to a state of deterioration by an unable to be violated fellowship with fellows that dangle about females, or fops in glittering decoration, and exaggerated, peacock-like attire. Such could never enter the cycle of my recognized lovers.

Haste by many of my sex to an inevitable marital binding together with such furbished up for sale unknown people and stupid fellows, has frequently clouded the most shining foresight of cheerful youth. Such outcomes made me timid, and by no means, prone to yoke my earthly assignment to any husband, or animal featherless two legged animal. I came almost to the conclusion to become a believer in keeping a growing population in check; at least, to be wandering alone through this many roaded world to my ultimate resting place.

Since our face to face speaking together in the mansion of the friendly innkeeper, during fair-like occasion, I have had an indescribable propensity for your society. Moreover, your wisdom giving letter caused an expulsion of all balancing from my turned up breast, and foreshadowed to me that you are, by no means, an illiterate person, but in truth a wise lovely letter writing lover of learning.

You were not wholly unknown to me prior to my primal vision of you at our accidental meeting and informal conversation. Your photograph had already fallen under my vision, and caused me to cherish a previous estimation for you.

However, in my meditations as to the prior requirements, and characteristic qualifications of him who may wish to be my marital companion, I have formulated the following; -

Primarily, he must be a substantial householder, though not a near-river dweller. His rural mansion must have an oaken framework, smooth floors, countless windows, an imposing room furnished with seats, or veranda, various clothing rooms, and a bathing room. It must be well arched over, and impervious to the very cold freezing blows of the north wind. It must be surrounded by ample avenues, covered with sawdust-resembling and sandy material. A cold spring must not be lacking.

The house furniture must be of medium preciousness. In the cooking department, lard, floury, milky, eggy, and sugary substances for the making of many-kinded custards, fine flour cakes, and various bread-like foods, must not be wanting. Fans, friction matches, and greasy and kerosene light-bearing lamps, and other nocturnal light givers must be in abundance.

The stables and the cow houses, as also their surroundings, must abound in mounts, and other saddle horses; also, countless oxen-like, cow-like, calf-like, wool-bearing sheep-like, and pig-like, four-legged animals; all in a state of plump fattening. Crooked horned butting bad smelling goats will not be tolerated.

The body of him who is to be my companion, must not be too tall; - at least, he must be a giant, - and by no means, must he be a dwarf. Not too plump nor too angular. He must be equal legged, and not big footed or limp; not long-jawed or large-eared; and somewhat large brained. In truth, his physique must be fair.

He must be very skilled in his clothing, and keep his lips cleansed from all tobacco juice; - in truth, diligently avoid, at all times, the chewing, smoking, and breathing in through the nose of the harmful plant. He must not be a lover of wine, but a very self-disciplined abstainer from spirituous liquor. He must avoid want of care as to the cleansing of his teeth, and skin surface. He must never be lazy in feet bathing, bathing, and washing with salt water, for the removal of strong scent, occasioned by sweating, and skin shedding. During a stormy and muddy season, he must diligently cleanse all mud coatings from his feet, prior to making his entry to the house.

Spitting on the tapestry will not be tolerated, and the nonessential exceedingly filthy receptacle for spit must be - not present.

All muttering relative to the digestion and preparation of edible articles of nourishment, are absolutely forbidden.

In company, he must be courteous and affable; and never quarrelsome, or of too authoritative carriage. In his conversation, he must be a person who discusses any subject at pleasure, but not a conversation monopolizer; and by no means, pompous, disposed to take offense, headstrong, unlearned, or artless; devoid of all lack of patriotism, laziness, carelessness, and deception. He must not be a meticulous restraining person; never too fault finding, and jeeringly critically nice; never guilty of tedious talk without much substance, the love of empty talk, stammering, or the unconscious saying of what is not intended to be said.

By no means, must he be deeply snoring in his sleep, or be subject to talking in sleep and walking in sleep. In his laboriousness in this under the heavens sphere of action, he must not be a worshiper of money, or be given to worshiping the world. He must be very talkative and altruistic towards people who subsist on charity, inmates of hospitals for orphans, those living on alms, and those in a state of impoverished widowhood.

Union with any of the existing secret societies, or guilds, and all wanderings in the night, and wanderings all over the place, subjecting me to solitariness, and concerned vigils, must never characterize him.

Indiscriminate being bound as surety for another must never have indwelling in his brain. A renunciation of all adherence to a false religion and ruling by demons and worship by demons; and a sincere acceptance of Christianity, must ever characterize him.

He must be playful with the children, and exemplary to them; and humor them freely in their people-mimicking feats of horsemanship and shadow fighting, and in their unreal luxurious feasts; and educate and indoctrinate them to be truthful, without rod punishing beating, or cudgeling.

The marital securities I claim for myself, are:- To be female sovereign in all departments of the residence, and assume full union of interests -elsewhere, -everywhere. Consent for drawn out excursions, and ridings about, when desired, must be lively granted. All seed sowing, weeding outs, and weedings in the garden-belonging separating hedge; the feeding of cow-like, horse-like, and curly tailed pig-like four legged animals; and the weaning of the bellowing calf-like four legged animals; and in truth, all servile work about the large stable for horses, the cow house and the dairyhouse, is most explicitly rejected.

In case the death of my marital partner should precede mine, pledging not to enjoy the state of being married twice, will not be given in my betrothal to any descendant of Adam, or masculine two legged animal of humankind. Should a dissolution of the marital affiliation even, - and that by divorce, on account of drunkenness, or any other evil doing, then, a division into two parts of the property would have to occur.

Finally, should my husband and I enjoy growing old together, and be nearly dying together at the same time, and my death come before his, then my desire is, to be buried with funeral rites gently and nicely in a neat resting place. Such are the securities I reserve for myself, and to which I suspect you will readily yield agreement. Your beyond common people thoughts, as well as your position beyond the outskirts of vulgarity must clearly represent beforehand it.

On condition of compliance with the above requirements, I accept your offered girdle of the god of marriage, with the hope that our marital union and consequent union of interests and interdependency may cause an improvement of the difficulties incident to our earthly life, and aid us in the avoiding of many of the temptations in this unclean and polluted world; and I leave it to your decision to designate the day of celebration of the nuptial feast. By chance the next full moon would be the most fitting period for the marital union; and may the heavenly powers invest the bridal occasion with their favorable blessing. In a golden binding, Your everlasting pledged to be married, E.M. Amenity.

Fritz has given me assurance that the said bridal occasion will occur as suggested, and not on the time that will never come. However, as to the culmination and final sequel, - more in a little while.

I will now bring to a conclusion this long worded badly written scrawl, with the assurance that I am, Yours, school master like, Ivan

Letter VII,

Main City of the West

July 4, 1873

Most rewording to clarify Sir:-

In my preceding bombastic communication, I gave you a concise biographical sketch of Fritz, and his lovemaking experience. I now, early in the morning on this, our national holiday occasion, again bring into demand, my overflowing pen, and excessive abundance of old long words, and try to think out yet another ornate, mystical letter outpouring; but, being at present, otherwise somewhat pragmatically engaged, I shall be, necessarily, more brief.

On a certain Sunday, recently, I repaired to a place where listening was given to a certain minister. The crowd was large.

The choir director of the choir singers, began the initial sonata with too much altitude of musical tone, which produced considerable hoarseness in his throaty opening before its ending; especially during the choir's chant response.

Following this singing, there was a general silence. He was golden-haired and his face was gloomy. His appearance was youthful; his bodily structure was slender; his nose had exceptional thinness, and came to a point surprisingly. His theme was hope. In his introductory oration, or outline of subjects to be discussed, he was somewhat tranquil, but not educational. In a briefness of time, however, he became loud and bubbling in his mouth. His spittings became frequent, and his eyelid and eyelash organs gained indescribable speed. Stupefying seized his disciples in view of his supposed varied learnedness; but his explanatory clarification of his subject was encoded, impossibly arrived at, and speculative, as well as problematic and ambiguous in grammatical construction.

His language of doubtful meaning, lofty speech, and boastful speech, excited my derisive laughter. The disputational part of his sermon was full of absurdities and false reasonings, and furnished an unquestionable support of a proposition by reference to common knowledge of his stupidity in honorable refutations of doctrine, and the art of rhetorical theology. Towards differers in belief, he showed such discourtesy and dislike as irritated my interior nature.

When his course was questioning, he propounded the most nonsensically poetic and irrelevant interrogations; and his responses to that were fancifully imaginative, using the wrong words in context, and totally irrelevant. In his loud complaints, there was occasionally a sudden difficulty of speaking; rare agreeable sounds, but the most painful bad sounds. As to his celestial inspiration, he labored under an imaginary hallucination altogether.

His sermon had already surpassed briefness, and yet, he added a corny conclusion, in which he primarily bitterly complained against radical skepticism that is becoming so presumptuously daring in this age; and after frowning it down by the sour-facedness of face, he entered upon an unsuitable, and very severely critical exhorting speech to his disciples, in which he reproached their sorrow for sin only for fear of damnation and their want of true repentance, and bowing in their earnest beggings; and keenly, in very warning of punishment terms, reprimanded their silly talking, religious indifference, and their mutual slanders; and by drawn out repetitions of sound insisted on an increase of their faith, and a literary deletion of objectionable parts of their extremely wicked criminalities and atrociously sinful abominations; by ceaseless divine summoning. He outlined their many formed temptations, and gave them a fervent exhortation to the exercise of hope during the allotment of their worldly and non-spiritual life. The prophesized that then, in their entrance to the celestial world, they should be indescribably happy.

In his finale, he insisted on a brought together by contributions operation throughout the assembly, for saving from sin of fighters of god, and the Heathens to the enjoyment of ethical and theological awareness; and after the drawing out of dishonestly acquired money from our money receptacles, he prepared us, in a thanks giving prayer, for return to our homes.

On the succeeding morning, I set out for this metropolitan store, or very large city of the western plateaus, where I now temporarily stay.

The early morning part of that day was characterized by all phases that possess power to impart fullness to the visual, hearing, and smelling powers of our complex constitution.

The rising again east-rising Sun, in his radiation, or coming to light, from the eastern pearly portals, cast brightly shining darting forth flashes of brilliance into the cloudless sky-blue concavity; and his brilliant glowing rising forced the underground seed-like and root-like deposits to germinate and scatter spring greenness over nature's wavy surface. The wood regions, or rather, full of trees and arbuscle-full river bank thickets, were full of the most sweet-sounding melodious songs of the feathered inhabitants of the airy regions. The herby, grassy, and flower-bearing plants having been moistened, and made flowing with dew by nightly sprinklings with wet dew, emitted the most grateful fragrant sweet scent.

My functions are now mercantile, shorthand typing, and shorthand writing. I am quite busily engaged, and somewhat a laborer of the night.

As a state of unwillingness to stay here coerces me, and moreover since - change of pasture makes fat calves, - I shall perhaps, during the autumn season, resume my frequent wandering and world wandering wanderings; which may chance to happen in my passing over of the Pacific ocean, and travelling around of this land.

Till which time, I shall remain, Your same country dwelling person living at the same time, Ivan

Criticism is easy, and art is difficult.

Letter I,

Arenilitic Butte, Occident

November 4, 1872

Most Sophomorical Sir:-

Your Graeco-Latin epistolet or cabalistical abracadabra, lies before me deciphered and eclaircised to the best of my linguistic, pasigraphical, and exegetical abilities. As a merited castigation therefor, and to test your wonted longanimity, I shall recalcitrate by effunding upon you, in epistolic form, my scaturient cornucopia of lexiphanic sesquipedalities, Johsonian archaisms, exoticisms, neologianisms, pativinities, et id genus omne.

In former epistolary scribblements, I gave you the concatenation of concomitant circumstances initiatory to my transmigration to this remote section of the occidental portions of our columbian republican coadunation. I have also delineated my periculous adventures among the fucated, rubicund autochthons, or aborigines; portrayed various incidents of venations in which I participated, minorating gregal aggregations of bison and antilocapridae which abound on the gramineous, occiduous plateaus; depicted my primal vision of the illusive phenomenal mirage, and the fata morgana; and in verity, recounted much of my vicissitudinous experience whilst with the caravan traversing the occidental champaigns.

I am, however, not oblivious of the fact, that when we imparted mutual valedictory conges, I laid myself under obligations to give you a pantographical delineation of the ponent regions upon which I might cast my ophthalmic organs. As it would be a dilucid evagation from my accustomary routinism to comperendinate the fulfillment of my pollicitations by procrastination or dereliction, I shall, deeming this a suffisance, proemially, or prolegominarily, essay to further exonerate myself of said obligations, and imprimis give you a chorographical sketch of this part of our hesperian domain, and a compendiarious enumeration of its autochthonal flora and fauna.

The superficies of the occidental portion are diversified by many altitudinarian, terrene, lapidarious, and rupellary acroceraunian montanic elevations. Some of cyclopean vastidity, and sublime scabredity. Their mirificent glacious pinnacles tower, apparently above the nubiferous regions, into the caliginous empyrean.

The oriental portion is a vast undulating plateau; extremely longitudinal and latitudinous; having few exiguous dingles. Its terreous surface is covered with a most nutritious autochthonous xerophilous graminaceous growth; principally, bouteloua oligostachya, tripsacum dactyloides, mesquite, and gramma. This growth sustains equine, bovine, hircine, and ovine quadrupeds in a state of rotund impinguation during the entire hiemal season. Artemisia tridentata, the solisequious helianthus, aculeated cactus opuntia, and multifarious succulent acanthaceous and aciculated cactaceous plantage, and floriferous, herbaceous, and graminifolious garniture luxuriate in many localities.

The fluvial meanders are limited, and originate from the liquefaction of vast niveous and glacial accumulations in the montanic regions. None are navigerous, but they are truttaceous and anatiferous. Some are pactolian, and all extremely relucent, and possess a great degree of diaphaneity. None tardy in profluence. At many points, their rivages, especially in the vicinity of embouchures, or disemboguements of arroyos, are replete with a promiscuity of asperifolious, bacciferous, or cocciferous, vinaceous, arundinaceous, and other bushments.

Myriads of venene, umbelliferous, corymbiferous, racemiferous, urticaceous, fructiferous, anthophorous, or floriferous plantage, and multifarious spontaneous esculent products also abound. The autochthonous arboreous growth consists of acerose sempervirent and perdifolious silva, and boscages. By no means, of immane arduity, or totally devoid of aduncities, nodosities, and knags. Disboscation by succision and conflagrations will deplete same in the next decade.

The reptatory, pennigerous, bisulcous and unguiculated feral entities of this domain are; ousels, ptarmigans, ortolans, leverocks, trochidae, shelducks, cryals, kokobs, creeples, crotaluses, carcajous, logomyes, castors, marmots, malodorous mariputs, "spilogale putorius", "lepus campestris", "oves montanoe", "antilocapridae", bison, spermophiles, coyotes, grizzlies-ursus horribilis, and other animals of the murine, sciurine, feline, canine, leporine, vulpine, lupine, ursine, cervine, caprine, ovine, and equine genera. Also, pennipotent accipitrine and aquiline raptors. There are apparently interminable areas almost wholly monopolized by cynomys ludovicianus. Viewing the ludicrous antics of these lusory sciurine burrowing rodents, in their circumcursations, or perched, a la homo upon the apices of their coniform tumulosities incessitously allatrating, one cannot control his risibles.

The intermontane sections of this region are as auriferous and argentiferous as any of the austral, remote austrine occidental, or extreme occidental and septentrional sections of this republican adunation. They are also ferriferous, carboniferous, or anthraciferous, plumbiferous, and cupriferous.

The uberty or fecundity of the soil in the battable sections, when properly stercorated and irrigated, exuperates enarration. Besides frumentarious products - which yield a most siliginose flour - there are produced in campestrian and olitory enclosures; brank, citruls, sarmentaceous fragaria, cucurbitaceous, acetarious, fabaceous, and, in verity, multifarious oleraceous edibles.

There are vast arid alkaligenous areas, and arenarious aggerations, multitudinous conglomerate buttes, and circumdenudated arenilitic elevations. Such areas not being scaturiginous, and arable, will ever be sparsely populated.

The nummulary majoration, or crescive ditation of the terre tenants originates from agistment, coemption and vendition of equine, bovine and lanigerous ovine quadrupeds, or rotherbeasts from attention to geoponics; from usurarious contracts and usufructuary holdings; from enhancement in value of preempted terra firma; from venations, agiotage, mining, emporetical pursuits, or mercature, and from general negotiations.

The paucity of population in some localities possesses a consimilitude to a mere exiguity.

The life of many is bucolic and nomadic. In the oppidan and many villatic communities the optimity of society prevails. However, the cordial compagination of so heterogenous a mass, and farraginous concurrence of all nationalities, as is the case in some localities, demands time. There must be a prior detruncation of truculence and inurbanity of some of its divisions to obtain the optimity of society and secundation. Appetition for aucupation, cynegetics, alectryomachy, tauromachy, and circumforaneous evagations, must undergo imminution. The comportance of the major portion of the occidental leod is, by no means, truculent, scelestic, or immorigerous, nevertheless, many are subdolous, and have a great inhiation for captation, feneration, the coacervation of pelf, preemption and coemption of terra firma, and participating in festal jovialities.

The ethics of many are greatly maculated by the vendition and bibacity of aqua vitae. Localities replete with cades of aguardiente, pupelo, skink and bub, are patrocinated by, and thronged with bibbers, whose comates, condisciples and compotators are dolts, fanfarons, jobbernowls, anserous nincompoops, maudlin gaberlunzies, temulent wantwits, linguacious borachios, and bateful barrators.

They sometimes initiate their saturnalian revelries with xerophagy, and the manducation of ragouts, saveloy, and polony, to give an acumen to their gusto for the imbibition of inebriating potations. As a sequence, what stultiloquence! What random tentations at the enodation of some vulgar enigma! What perpotation and ruinous ebriety! What mutual pugnacity issuing in testy concertations and sanguinary pugilisms! Such rendezvous are terrestrial pandemoniums.

Relative to myself; as you are cognizant, and for some time subsequent to my discession from home, I sojourned with agnations and cognations, who are amnicolists and engaged in terraculture, or agricolation. The circumambient and circumjacent country is interamnian, nemorous, and paludal, or palustral. My vocation was at first, subtegulaneous and sedentary, but subsequently became wholly extraforaneous. Prior to becoming inured to a castrensial mode of life, I very injudiciously submitted to humicubations during pernoctations; which during the initial part of my castrametations, and alfresco employment, in connection with nocturnal irrorations, miasmatic exhalations, and dankishness of the atmosphere, generated by a want of apricity, were extremely febrifacient; causing tertiary quassation and febriculosity. Infrigidation, formication, cardialgy, allotriophagy, and wamble, succeeded by calenture, found entrance into my corporeal organization. I was medicamentally adjuvated by a rurigenous charlatanical anencephalous medicaster, who, not being extra scient in acology, iamatology, soteriology, pharmacodynamics and in the impartation of eccritics, ecphrastics, and other pharmacons, and moreover, having erroneously diagnosticated my case, greatly minorated my eupepsy, and occasioned me to spend many insomnious nights.

In my brief swevens I endured circumvolation of pigwidgeons, cacodemons, and odible simulachres in my harns. Upon these supervened cynorexia, leucophlegmacy, turgid muns, and cinchonism. I am now robust physically and sane mentally, or mens sana in corpora sano, with the exception of a slight odontalgia and cephalalgia, but not the slightest symptom of nostalgia. Eulogium to the supermundane powers for the revivification of my physical organization, and for my invalescence and complete analepsis by means of antipyretics, cholagogics, peptics, anticausotics, and other medicaments; also, balneotherapy, kinesipathy, or kinesiatrics, and migration to this salubrious clime.

Since my ubication here, my functions have been bibliopolistical, bucolical, agronomical, paideutical, and negotiatory. I have pererrated the ponent regions quite extensively, and have witnessed many peregrinities, and neoteric occurrences.

I will now terminate this protracted, autoschediastical scribblement by imparting to you the verity, that as yet, feminality has not parlously effascinated me, though I am not by any means, a misogynist or a misogamist; affected with neither gyneolatry or gynephobia; thought somewhat of a philogynist. Desiderating not to be gyved with connubial relations, I have come to the illation to be solivagant yet many annuary epochs.

I shall offer no exculpation for hieroglyphical chirography, autoschediastical orthology, cacography and cacology; but leaving it to you to decipher, etymologize, and eclaircize, to the best of your lexigraphical, lexicological, orismological, and philological abilities. I am, Most lexiphanically, Your quondam condisciple, Ivan

Letter II,

Mirage Plateau, Occident

Dec. 3, 1872

Most Automathic and Glottological Sir:

In my prevenient catachrestical epistolographical missive, I essayed to portray to you the chorography of the portion of the ponent regions. My present elucubration shall be narratory of incidents in my chequered experience here.

The caravan with which I traversed the occidental plateau, reached its destination during the canicular days. Here, subsequent to the tarriance of several hebdomads, having an appetency to perlustrate the Hesperian domain still further, I entered into a pactitious agreement as peripatetic itinerant bibliopole.

This was quite consentaneous with my nature; for, as you know, from my earliest juvenility, I have been an ardent bibliophilist.

Receiving a compendiarious prospectus, I prolated valedictions to my "compagnos de voyage" and inchoated solivagant perambulations.

I now realized the fact that I was in a peregrine land, unkent, a fren, a peripatetic pedestrious viator, and apparently isolated, with the salvo of a canine quadruped, whose mordacious, latrant, lusorious, and venatic qualities are without parity.

Cicurated and divested of his acharnement and curstness, he has been of great utility to me in his indagation of game in their latitations, latibulums, or hibernaculums; and for his pervigilations. By his cerberean latrations, he has kept in abeyance the whole noctivagant furacious race; especially, during the nocturnal hours.

I onerated my dorsal part with a portmanteau for the vectitation of my habiliments. My humeral, or acromial projecture, I also onerated with an instrument consisting of ligneous stock and ferreous tube, for the enecation of aligerous and volant bipeds, and those animals that are given to latrociny, or a predacious life.

With this armature of accoutrements, I took up my line of march in a septentrio-occidental direction, for distant oppidan and villatic communities. Amplifying claritude occupied the argent fields above; human, belluine, and other entities sustained the radiating caloric of Phoebus. Exhilirating euphony seemed to possess entire ubiquity. Under this buoyant physical revivification I transcended acclivities and declivities, until the rayonnant solar luminary had attained meridonial arduity, pouring down upon me his calefactory radiations; so that my corporeal organization was, in totality, subjected to redundant sudations, necessitating me to bring my bombycinous sudary into frequent requisition. After having participated in a collation, I submitted my corporeity to quiescence in a resupine position; which proved very acopic, and effectuated an instauration of my physical energies. Having indulged in something like pandiculation, at least, a sort of involuntary calisthenical exercise, I resumed the elongation of my pedaneous locomotion, and protracted it well past crepuscule. Thus ended my primal days itineration, varied by a multiplicity of peregrinities and neoteric occurrences.

But oh! My defatigation and the turgescence of my pedalian extremities! The cataphracted epidermal integument abraded from my malleolar processes and calcaneal protrusions. My sinistral tendo-achilles and the dorsal part of my dextral hallux extensively vesicated and excoriated. But you know, the initial part of all enterprises is arduous.

Subsequently to a very sumptuous vespertine repast, I intimated to the caterer for human and belluine animality that, feeling quite superlatively elumbated, and being somewhat somniculous, I was propense to an early couchee; and requested that he indigitate to me a cubicular department, or dormitory, in which I might enjoy somniferous quietude. I elicited from my host an obstriction to cause my experrection when the caligation of the night was yielding to the clarity of the remeant exortive solar sphere. Prior to decumbency on my couch, I submitted my pedal and crural organs to a defecation by a copious lavation with medicated saponaceous abstergents.

This pediluvy and ablution, though I yet suffered a slight vellication in my femoral organs, gave me a proclivity for an indulgence of my somnolency without intercission. In the matin, according to paction, the aubergist exsuscitated me at the first canorous peal of the chanticleer. After the customary matutinal manal and facial ablution and abstersion, and capital pectination, and a very satisfactory impletion of my epigastric receptacle. I asked for the supputation with him; and having duly adjusted the same, I resumed ambulatory incession. The ceruleous canopy was merging into fulgidity from the ascending rayonnant Phoebus. Every entity about me seemed to revel in universal resuscitation. I performed my quotidian locomotion for several diurnal revolutions; witnessing a multiplicity of occurrences homologous to those already specified.

One day, when the solar sphere had culminated, I, being much exantlated from continuous deambulation, gave way to a recubation under an isolated, multiramose, umbrageous tree, attiguous to the trail, for the purpose of exercising my masticators upon the contents of my viaticum. Having furnished refocillation to my system, recumbent on my dorsal part, I viewed the plumous tenants of the air in their evolutions among the ramifications of the tree, and the illusive mirage in the distance. Having discalceated, I perfricated my recrudescent and attrited pedal organs with an iatroleptical cerate, and then, becoming profligated with somnolency, I relapsed into a post prandial siesta. Schnell, for that was the cognomination of my canine companion and presidiary, - advigilated. I was, however soon suscitated by an electrical detonation from the septentrional part of the horizon. So soon as my ophthalmic organs had undergone patefaction, I realized that nubiferous gales were in operation, agglomerating a most ominous and impendent cumu-cirro-stratus thunderhead. The welkin was rapidly obnubilating, and tenebrosity amplifying. The crispations and furcations of the fulgurations became vivid, and the fulminations horrisonous. In a brevity of time there was a copious precipitation of pluvious globules, which subjected me and Schnell to thorough madefaction.

The arroyos assumed such ampliations as might be instyled a local torrential cataclysm. Aqueous domination prevailed on earth; igneous potency and fulmineous reverberations predominated in the nubiferous regions; and a resistless ventosity maintained horrendous boation in the atmosphere. The fulgurations communicated their igneous potency to a rancho sans paratonnerres, setting in it flagration; terminating in entire incineration. Being untenanted, no one fell a prey to cremation. I and Schnell had to engage in the transilience and tranation of several arroyos; which greatly augmented the ponderosity of our envelopes. Ultimately, as the day began to advesperate, but prior to the cadence of Phoebus, - with pedal envelopes and the inferior portion of my femoral habiliments subjected to quite an illutation, I arrived at an adobe chalet.

Anthracitic and ligneous combustibles were deposited in a spacious calefactor, and accended with an allumette, giving me an opportunity for torrefaction, or divaporation. I was soon summoned to the refectory by tintinnabular reverberations, where I found ample cenatory refreshments.

Tenebrosity having by this time encircled our moiety of this mundane sphere, I soon sank into the gremium of Morpheus.

The day subsequent to the procellous vesper on which I effectuated the arefaction, or calefaction of my habiliments was not very inservient to the progress of a pedestrious viator. It is true, the atmospheric regions, at first subnuvolar, soon became enubilated; and old Sol did not radiate his sudorific caloric so potently as on the hesternal day, but the roads had, in some places, become lutulent and somewhat clarty; presenting great difficiliation to my incessant velocity, on account of the viscosity of the surface.

In consequent my frequent stoppages, on account of the lutarious and salebrous condition of the trail, I had ample opportunity to exercise my optics upon the aspects of the circumjacent regions. The sinuosities of the vales; the rupellary canons; the titanic, scabrous, nival crested Aeonian mountain peaks; the feracity of the terreous surface pertingent to the aqueous meanders, excited in me the greatest oblectation. I arrived one day at a place somewhat multivious; and there being no milliaries or odometrous stones, I soon became disoriented. In the course of my deambulations, my vision was regaled with an occiduous, floriferous savanna; having in its septentrional, oriental, and austral sections, a slight subsidence. Its terreous surface was a perfect chessom, wholly nonscatebrous. In my transcursion to a designated point, my attention was arrested by the audition of a very puissant sibilation in great proximity to Schnell. He gave a subitaneous resilience. By chary perscrutation, I perceived a fissilingual, batrachophagous, anguine creeple, a crotalus, circularly recumbent. His cutaneous envelope was squamous, cupreous, and fulgid. His caudal extremity was cuspidated with a corneous apex. Schnell made a temerarious supersalient assault upon him, but received such a siserary upon his rhinal protrusion as immediately induced incessant jactitation. Tumefaction with ineffable celerity became visible in his physical organization. Being somewhat scient in toxicology and pantagruelism, I administered to him, in the utmost brevity of time, alexiterics, antiphlogistics, and other pharmacy. This treatment produced immediate detumescence and revalescence. Though this assault upon him did not prove exitial, yet, in his resilience from the dipsas he suffered the exarticulation, or rather, the subluxation of his sinistral crural organ; which, in his subsequent circumcursations, extorted the most streperous ejaculations. He soon however, enjoyed complete sanation, and was freed from every traumatic vestige, and relieved of all osteocope by a nepenthe and antalgics. His subastral vitality has, however, since terminated. Fritz, a castrensian acolythist of mine, an ardent lover of cynegetics and aucupation, made a pteriplegistic venatorial tour, and induced Schnell to accompany him. On the succeeding matin, as they were appropinquating a lapideous and scopulous elevation, Schnell, in his circumcursations, - ventre a terre, - was allected by the fumette of a cache. He there habnab, met a hirsute, hippophagous, sarcophagous, ichthyophagous, melliphagous, insectivorous, vermivorous, frugivorous, and anthropophagous ursine quadruped. A terrific sanguinary cynarctomachy ensued. In the circumgyrations of the battailants, Schnell rendered Bruin excaudate; but Bruin being unguiculated, seized Schnell with one paw by the neb and submaxillary appendage in the hyomental region, and with the other, grasped his capillose dermal integument in the lateral part, and almost exenterated him, and quite suggilated him. By an extra conatus, Schnell effected his eluctation from Bruin; but through hors de combat, his claudication from the arena of concertation, or obluctation, prompted the most puissant ululations. The lancinations, mauger all epulotic, catagmatic and cicatrisive appliances, and all available aciurgical and chirurgical skill, - sphacelated. Interosseal and cervical inturgescence induced angina; terminating in lethality. He was contumulated farantly.

After hospitating for a noctidial period with a vaquero, I entered into a pactitious contract with him. During my tyrociny as vaquero, though not a novice in equitancy, and riding tantivy, yet, in segregating and corraling macrocornous bovines for inustion; in omnium-gatherum aggregations, or rodeos, and in abgregating mavericks, - my equestrian acrobatic feats, - vaulting from the dorsal part of bucking bronchos, - was, for a time, truly, mirabile visu.

Eventually, in view of the avolation, or evanescence of the aestival and autumnal seasons, and the approximation of brumal gelidity, and cadent niveous particles, and moreover, being ruricolist rather than an oppidan, I entered in a paction with an occiduous proprietor of a section of terra firma.

In conclusion, I will say, - I have today felt somewhat writative, and hence, my present epistolizing is voluminous as Thucydides, and strung out like the caudal appendage of Alcibiades' canine. I have opisthographized much; postillated emendatory criticisms here and there, and added so much paraphrastical marginalia, that verily - "redolet lucernae".

With accustomary comity "Tapeinotatos dulos" Ivan

Letter III,

Helianthus Vale, Occident

Dec. 21 1872

Most Philomathic and Calligraphical Sir:

In the finale of my last lucubratory epistolary palimpsest, I gave you cognizance of the verity, that at the inchoation of the pruinous season, I entered into a paction with a certain ponent agricultor. I am not au fait in orthology, but I will essay to impart to you cognition of my position during my commoration with the said excerebrous mephistophelian agricolist. Such scleragogy! Such a protraction of vitality! The parvitude of his augean, pulicous habitance! The fuliginous calefactor with carbon fuel; the rimosity, or fatiscence of its walls; the tenuity of the thoral greith, or integuments, - replete with sanguinivorous cimisses, - are indeed asthenic defensatives against the algidity induced by the frigorific perflations of the Aquilon and Caecias.

Our edibles, or cagmag, consisted of furfuraceous cakes, azymous jannocks, fusty chitterlings, charqui, lobscouse, and a tenuous insapory puree.

The idiopathic microcephalous paterfamilias and dominus of the domicile, is fastuous, brigose, and possessed of a most apodeictical philauty. He is a genio - a curioso. A conformity to his punctilious precisianism, is, veritably, a quodlibet. He coerced me to moider during the diurnal period, like a moke, and harassed me with antelucan blatterations. He is multinomious, or polyonomous, as I have multititulated him, Megalophon Fustilugs Dizzard Culion Rodomont Pyrrhonist. His tetricity, carency of bonity, xenodochy, aphilanthropy, parvanimity, and abnormal anthropophuism, are antipathetical to his vicinal cotemporaries and the metics in his convicinity.

As to his proletaneous, abdominous, flavicomous, hypognathous, foveated fraken visaged cepevorous, vociferous consort, I have appellated and yclept her, - Oleosity Impudicity Amazon Rixatrix Immundicity. The passing of the macilent Chichevache never agrises or causes her the least horripilation.

Having become an acephalist, and fatigated with assiduate supererogatory vernile toil, I protracted my obdormition according to autocephalous arbitrament, mauger all his stentorophonic blatterations and perstreperousness to exsuscitate me. This occasioned a rixation which eventuated in my prolating a very dyslogistic sempiternal valediction to his maledicted bye. This was in consension with affectuosity; for I would rather be a mundivagant than a latreutical mercenary, and fraternize with and be ditionary, or subjicible to such an excerebrous, abysmally nescient a sept as his.

I resumed circumforaneous bibliopolistical functions, and after the profection of about a triduan period subsequent to prolating my eviternal adieu to the execrable terraculturist and rancho with a drastic Parthian shot, I approximated an urbiculous community; in the suburbicarian precincts, or purlieus of which I beheld an omnium-gatherum rabblement, consisting of queans, giglets, malkins, cinderwenches, galliards, mumpers, skipjacks, beldames, belamours, cuttles, michers, clumps, doodles, nincompoops, cosmopolitans, curmudgeons, ninnyhammers, tatterdemalions, hobbledehoys, and slubberdegullions. All these gave attention to the prestigiations of a thaumaturgical engastrimuth and geomancer. He made the asseveratory declaration that he could give ocular apodixis that he possessed complete cognition of metoposcopy, ophthalmoscopy, chiromancy, rhabdomancy, astragalomancy, arithmancy, capnomancy, and onomancy. He averred that he was an adept oneirocritic, cultrivorist, and funambulist.

The ariolation and recluding of the future terrestrial allotments of the congeries that environed this pseudo-omniscious mirabilary, effectuated singular phases in their phizes. Those who, by a spectation either into aqueous liquids, or upon the nodosities of a caduceus or upon the corrugations of their mannal extremities, or by any other media of auguration or vaticination, were favored with a perception of their future beatitude, became salient with delectation, and emitted the most obstreperous cachinnations; whilst others, beholding either their proximity to the irremeable bourne, or much amaritude immixed with the evolutions of the filaments of their sublunary vitality, became quite cogitabund, atrabilarian, querimonious, pessimistic, and exacerbated.

Leaving the fatiloquent flabbergaster and his dupes, and desiderating the deletion of nescience, as also the impletion of my nummular crumenal with rhino, whilst hiemating, - for, as you know, "absque argento omnia vano" - I decided to demonstrate my didacticity by becoming a propaedeutical domine; and hence, I entered into a synallagmatic astipulation as rural pedagogue. So soon as the requisite subsignations could be secured to the bipartite stipendiary syngraph, I entered the phrontistery, and assumed paideutical and chrestomathic functions.

About the time of my becoming an erudiating literator of frontier bairns, I resorted to an umbratical castrametation containing multitudinous audients; addressed by a homilist. The sere autumnal season; the dense tenebrious umbrosity of the bushet; and the moliminous occasion of the comportation, were conducent to the exsuscitation of pietism, or epicedian emotions. The abearance, ostent, and physiognomical aspects of the ecclesiasts present, furnished a roboration of the already generated saturnity.

The anteriority of the officiating homilist's existence had been rather sinuous and protean. His juvenility had been maculated with many vicious, triobolary extravagations and nefandous abominations. At the termination of his adolescence, he became a fustilarian, a scambler, a literator, an arpentator, an acutiator, a horologist, and an omnivagant under the profession of chiropodist, bletonist, and vulcanian journeyman. By an esoteric and imaginary supernal influence, he was speedily transformed into an entheastic pietist; and he transferred the acumen of his mental vision from secular and terrene objects, into cryptic and acroamatical parts of the hagiography. Surcharged with bibliomania, he was propense to bibliomancy. He was a thorough solifidian catabaptist and saturnist; and I may adject, a mere theologaster, - an empirical idiopathic suist. His hierology was on the appropinquation of the chiliastic empyrosis of this mundane oblate spheroid, or macrocosm, based on the fatidical parts of the hierography.

His farrand of allocution was sui generis.

Not withstanding his boasted opsimathy, the illiteracy and inurbanity of the precedaneous part of his life was very tralucent. His intonations were dolorous, and in the mobility of his corporeity he resembled a funambulist. In his elocution, his vocal powers ascended from an almost inaudible susurration to crocitation, and from crocitation to cacophonic vociferation as made him dreul, and was puissant enough to laniate his guttural orifice. His cadences terminated in mere raucous susurrations. His defectuous mimesis of Whitefield was quite perceptible. In his eclaircissement of the vaticinal portion of the hagiography in relation, eschatologically, - to the chiliastic finale of this mundane structure, he made certain occurrences chronologically synchronous, or equitemporaneous, which glossologists and authentic historiographers greatly eloigned from each other. In his epilogisms in relation to fatidical events, he evinced an aspernation of all embolisms.

He gave an anagogical, chimerical, and acataleptic interpretation to prophetical icons, which all noetic elucidators have perpended as literal. In verity, his cacodoxical hierology was so replete with anfractuosities, pseudological fallencies, prochronisms, isochronisms, parachronisms, and illogicalities, that the entirety of the matter became dubitable, ancipitable, and quite amphigorical to me, notwithstanding the fact his sapient connictations in the formation of his ergoisms, seemed to exhibit his plerophory of assurance that the proximity of the empyrosis was no longer a dubiosity, or syncretistical quodlibet. His parenetical epilogation, seized the cullibility of his atechnic audients, and greatly exagitated.

The plateau of castrametation was quinquepartite. The one anent, or paravant the ambo, or rostrum, having a sepiment for demarcation, had a stramineous or festucous surface for the occupancy of the sequents and questants. In juxtaposition to this, were dualistic departments for the gent, farant, and debonair auditors. Posterior to these, were the bisexous, rabblement, or plebeiance. The male department of the latter was fraught with - faitours, fopdoodles, boolies, louts, claw backs, kickshoes, petitmaitres, ragabashes, rakehells, rampallians, bumpkins, jackanapes, wassailers, and nincompoops.

The feminine department was stocked with jilts, flirtigigs, fizzigs, malkins, mauthers, modders, tomrips, demireps, flibbergibs, and gammerstangs.

The occupants of these two departments mutually nictitated at their lemen, and exhibited the most derisory deport towards the homilist. Indeed, the jouissance, enterparlance, and effrenation of this posse were a great crux to the proximate audients. At this apathistical posse, the periscopic, argus eyed preachman made prepotent conatus.

Although in this isagogical part of his discourse, he disclaimed even a velleity towards decertation with any of his cotemporaries, yet he delitigated Hylotheism, Islamism, and Papism; and increpated iconolaters.

His fervency became apparent in his aparithmesis, and as he approximated the epilogue, or parenetical part, and epiphonema of his homily.

His parenesis was calid. I will append to the antecedent portraiture an excerpt from my itinerary as noted down by me brachygraphically.

My dear sectators: - I implore you to cherish eupathy, and a plenary fructure of religion. Morigerate no longer your ingenerate malign propensions. Enter upon theopathy, and abnegate your mundanity and secularity. You can yet have a pregustation, yea, a prelibation of a better existence.

O ye apathistical laodiceans! Soon, - it may be hodiurnal, - your psychomachy will terminate and your foy be transmuted into fruition. Evitate all alamodality and recidivation; and to this end, indagate the hagiography with perseverant incessancy in relation to the verity of these announcements. Secern yourselves from all ludibrious rabblements, and seek supersecular indefectible treasures. Have your cressets and flambeaus luminously flagrant, and evitate invigilance. But O, ye fatours, sycophantic parasites, and flibbergibs; ye sterquilinous rakehells, rampallians, wassailers, flirtigigs, and demireps! What hortation shall I impart to you? You all lie under divine execration, and your subastral existence is truly probationary and temporaneous. Divest yourselves of your imbonity, adiaphorism, incognitancy, and malversation. Bonity is impetrable. Perpend your longinquity from eupathy, and inenarrable sequences of your impreparation from the approprinquating catastrophe.

O, ye supercilious petit-maitres! Conculcate the fulgid ornature of your persons, and suppress your nugacities, and stultiloquy. Ye kickshoes! Cease your tripudiations. Ye wassailers! Elide your costrels, and denegate yourselves of your vinolency, and cretan practices. Ye modders, and fopdoodles; and ye clinquant flirts! Abject your elamping, bombycinous habiliments, and your bijoutry, and cease your irrational calamistrations. And O, ye covetous and covinous hunks! Ye terrigenous sept! Desist from your supervacaneous toil and disquietudes.

Accede ye all into the stramineous department paravant the rostrum. Incurvate your poplitics, and perform genuflection. Obsecrate that you may impetrate a purgation from all your nefandous piacles and abominations, and become impeccable. If you refuse to come, you will be in a periclitation to suffer irremeable relegation to the cimmerian inframundane Stygian and Acherontic regions of Abaddon, where your apprecations and quiritations will be frustraneous, and horrendous sulphureous flagrations will circumgyrate about you, and interminable remordency will excruciate you sempiternally.

At this juncture, the influx into the paleous department became ample and rapid. Conclamations, lachrymations, and perstreperous boations became apparently, ubiquitous and omnipresential. The synchysis, durdum, and quassation of the synaxis were, according to my standard of religious credenda, very absonant, and malapropos, and ergo, I made my exit.

Subsequently, I enjoyed commensation with this concionator at a sybaritic fete, where he envinced himself an expert ornithotomist, and a sapient deipnosophist and cyclopedic sitiologist, but indicated his undivested thralldom to gastronomy.

Deeming this a suffisance of my arcane bombastry for the present,

I am, Most amicably and subserviently, Ivan

Letter IV,

Spermophile Champaign, Occident

Jan. 15, 1873

Most Autodidactic and Pedagogical Sir: -

As my vocabulary of lexiphanic and sesquipedal polysyllabicities is not yet exhausted, I again merge my plumous implement of chirography into atramental fluid for another effusion of epistolary fustian.

A few fortnights prior to the advent of the hiemal season, I, in consociation with Fritz, - a contubernial belamy of mine, returning from an intermontane venatory excursion, espied in the convicinity of an oppidan community, an ample concourse of the populacy in an apert, procere, and foliaceous firth, giving audition to a political nestorian sermocinator.

He was a septuagenary; and being a contuberant, he was a questant for their suffrages at their proximous, or prochein ballotation, for nomothetical dignity.

He was rugose, pachydermatous, slightly bisson, breviped, tardigradous, and affected with partial surdity, secutiency, caducity, and perceptible seity.

Archaisms, exoticisms, exolete and obsolescent lingo, and fetishistic chauvinism, characterized his allocution to the conflux.

He located the prelation of himself to his competitors, upon the chevisances of the antecedaneous part of his existence; upon his connusance of cameralistic, chrematistics, and jurisprudence; upon his consension with the primordial and immaculate democracy; and especially upon his senility and proleptical resipiscence.

In the enumeration of his chevisances, he furnished an ocular apodixis, that he was of a doughty and ethel stirp. His ayle and eame had both been bellipotent, and of his progenitors had been consessor with the thesmothetes of our nation during the formation of the national systasis, and rendered much adminicular service. He was himself a ci-devant achillean cid, or chiliarch of a vexillation, and for many annuary epochs, endured the durity of agminal castrametation, and wielded the bilbo in multitudinous armisonous valkyrian concertations, upon sanguifluous arenas.

These things were not thrasonically spoken. He averred that his connusance of cameralistics had been utile to the federal compact on various emergencies. He made the indiction that an ampliation of the tariff upon forinsecal commodities would induce remote gubernations to recalcitrate by passing interdictory laws in relation to us; and as a sequence, a decurtation of our mercatantes would occur.

His advocacy of a minoration of the tariff upon forinsecal mercature was pancratic. His consension with the primevous democraty, and his resipiscence from adolescence to a great provexity, were very luculent.

His principia are:- The minoration of all extravagations and sumptuosities in hegemonical operations, especially the supervacaneous guerdons of the gubernative functionaries; the eversion of pecunious synomosies; the abrogation of all the dysnomies of the present dynasts; the cessation of the mercature on mutatious media; the enactment of isonomies; the depulsion of vitiosity in the proletarian ranks by the enactment of salutiferous laws; the deletion of popular inscience, by the erection of phrontisteries of all gradations. In the inferior, or propaedeutical, superior and ulterior of which should be taught, - orthography, chirography, orthoepy, aretology, ontology, physianthropy, pathognomy, aristology, ophthalmology, deontology, geogony, geography, geology, geognosy, geoscopy, oryctognosy, zoography, trochilics, taxidermy, pneumatology, agrostology, economics, longimetry, hydrodynamics, agriology, gymnastics, psychology, dietetics, electro-biology, and anthroposophy.

He iterated the asseveration, that he was not a questant for a participation in the guberance of the federation in view of ditation; but rather, from an irrepressible conviction that a mutation in the regnant powers should take place; that the extravagations and largitions of the incumbent dynasts have effectuated a labefaction of former eutaxy; that his former longanimity was exhausted; that, though longevous, he had never, in any anteriority of his subcelestial being, perceived such a necessitation for a decurtation of national fallencies as in this present secle. He made the indication, that the present dysnomy and aspect of the federation was most luctual to him; and that, as a statist, he had the most sombre ominations of disastrous sequences in view of the maladministration, depeculations, and proditions of the gubernative party; that he had an insatiable inhiation to witness the reddition and prepotency of pure Washingtonian and Jeffersonian democracy, or ochlocracy; and never, plutocracy.

In the prevenient, or prolegomenary part of his locution, the orator at times haffled somewhat, but he soon became grandiloquent. His senectitude, and the vestiges of anterior debonairity, furnished an essoin for his frequent eructations and exspuitions.

His epilogue was apothegmatical, and abounded in magniloquence, facundity, aristarchian and escharotic pasquinade.

I will subjoin a paraphrastical version of it as tachygraphically jotted down in my adversaria.

O, my compatriots and my constituency! Do you not espy a crisis in your subastral vitality, in which you should depel your lethal incogitancy, and precogitate your ballotation? Remember you are plenipotent, aye, multipotent to strangulate the malign assuetudes and abusions of the incumbent dynasts. Armipotent to prevent a new bevy of parasitical politicasters to convive upon you like so many sanguisuges upon insensate quadrupeds. My competitors are nothing but empiric neonomians, sciolistic parvenue, neoterics, inflated neophytes to their party, jack-a-dandies; ostentous, and unwilling to moile. They are far more cognizant and scient in cicisbeism than in civil economics jurisprudence. Their collimation is to be the beau monde, and saginate their macilent microcosms on the cess of the leod. They are mere covinous slang-whangers and skipkennels to a radical junto; mere machiavellian wealsmen, whose sermocinations are nothing but blandiloquence and illecebrous demagogism.

They are as inane of true civism as the Russian autocrat is of canaille. I obtestate you, my senile and junior democratists, to redintegrate the dimication for the eversion of radicalism, and for the rehabilitation of primordiate omniparity in the republic. Recall to your souvenance the pollicitations of the present regents and their entire inanity. Would you not rather be under a gerontocracy, a neocracy, a stratocracy, a pantisocracy, or even a gynecocracy, than under glavering radicalism and republican timocracy? I conjure you to be thoroughstitches in your colluctancy to radical dition. I obsecrate you to abject your antecedaneous segnitude; to indenizen the aliens, and be movent.

Let the vexillaries antecede the gradient column with flotant vexils inscribed with - "EUNOMY AND OMNIPARITY!"

Let all the suffragists advene to the arena of ballotation for the ereption of the munities of the plurality from the abusions and proditions of the incumbent plutocrats.

Let the radicals quassate like Belshazzar, and realize ubiquitary exauctoration, extraversion, ostracism and atimy!

This peroration made the whole contesseration animose, and elicited an euge potent enough to lacerate one's auricular avenues.

The political comportation then disbanded.

At this point, Fritz, - my chum, - encountered the compellation of an apparitor with a capias or interpellation for him to appear at the proxime judicatory to give responsion to certain allegata divulgated by a certain ranchero, delator.

He delated Fritz of clancular depulsion, ablastion, deportation and vendition of rotherbeasts. This seemed to impinge Fritz like fulmination and fulguration; and at first, greatly tristitiated him. In a peregrine land, without many belamies, he was in great prosternation relative to his situation. He however, found a mainpernor. The day of pervestigation, - dies juridicus - soon arrived. Fritz, being an alien, unkent, with limited pecuniary resources, a leguleian became the ultroneous susceptor of his cause.

This somatic physique was procere and beauteous, and his ostent, debonair. Multiscious in vitilitigation and alethiology; omnipercipient, pansophical, emissitious, and observant with anthroposcopy, metoposcopy, and dialectics. Without dubitancy, he was a dabster, a philalethist, a cyclopedic quodlibetarian, and an areopagist.

His responsion to isagogical speech of the microcephalous jurist for the regime, was consentaneous with true placitory dialectics, and was such a pancratic cassation of the paralogy of his antiloquist, that all pendency relative to Fritz's being a larcener was douted.

The jurist for the polity was a mere charlatanical champertor. His cadaverous, rugose, cataphysical, and verrucose phiz; his camoused olfactor; his extuberant labials; his dolichocephalous, cirrigerous, somewhat ulotrichous, informous noll; his myopy and strabism; his edentated, nicotian moe; his macrognathic, barbigerous mazard; his macilent corporeity; the exility and marcidity of his macropodous locomotives; all premonstrated his hebetude, and was axiomatic evidence that he was not even a mediocrist, but a mere inerudite, atechnic, polypragmatic hafter and pervicacious barrator. His inscience of avital justicements, and alethiology, and his perissology and his battology imparted to his tractation of his cause an imperspicuity which rendered it immomentous to his juratory audients.

The catastasis, or preludious part of his apertion of the accrimination was ambagitory, and catachrestical. His incapacity was apodeictically conspicuous in the adduction, adjuration, and sciscitation of these pseudo testificators.

They were a mendacious clan, and their testifications were very absonous, and devoid of all comprobations. In verity, the mendacity of some of the testificators was so diaphanous that Fritz's propugnor obtained from the domesman, or eirenarch, the right of compurgation, by the adduction of adscititious evidence relative to some of them as deponents. In this adduction of adminicular testimony, no compurgator appeared. In the final mediety of his locution, there was no concatenation of roborant circumstances, but a mere consarcination of commentitious allegata, which could never constitute a miniment of any nefandous piacle or anomy in Fritz.

After many supervacaneous iterations of mere fingle-fangle, he commenced to supparasite the juratory bevy relative to their noetical habilitation to sarse Fritz's maleficence, and adjudicate to ablegate him to a lobspound, and have him there immured and securely obserated; or mulct him to such a pecuniary amount as to make the adeption of the fidejussor impracticable; thereby effecting his expulsion from the convicinity.

Thus he dawdled; and such was his insulsity, morology, jejunity, and the nebulosity of his harns, that he could not perceive the derisive ludification of his audients.

He seemed to be inimicitious and acerb towards Fritz in his agrestic russet, through mere prosopolepsy.

The replication of Fritz's legist to this badinage, notwithstanding his pauciloquy, was anatreptic, elenctical, prepotent, and replete with the most pyrotic pasquinade. He eclaircised all the nodose aspects in the accrimination, and evinced Fritz's columbine innocency; that the delator's testificators were a most mendacious cretan sept; that the delation contained a plenitude of pseudologies and maledicencies; and that the querent was an egotistical morosoph, and dedolent scelerat; prompted wholly in the delation by an indomitable misanthropy and philistinism; and that he was entitled to a nihility, or nullibiety. In verity, that the entire procedure was illegal; and that, from praecognita, and precedence he demanded not only an absolutory acquittal, an unextorted assoilzie and deraignment. Not only so, but a considerable pecuniary assythment, as Fritz's absolute, and jural droit.

The arbitrament, or adjudication of the judicature was proficuous to Fritz. In a jiffy, the whole comportation emitted into the aerial vault the most conclamatory and congratulatory boations, and effunded upon the ranchero the plethoric cornucopia of their ire. The redacteurs and diurnalists gave Fritz's arraignment and adjudication, divulgation and evulgation; which invested him with moliminous and imperdible famosity.

More anon.

Most immutably, Amicus tuus Ivan.

Letter V,

Artemisia Arroyo, Occident

February 19, 1873

Most scribatious and altruistic Sir:-

Being again moved with something like cacoethes scribendi, I call into requisition my escritorial furnishments to delineate for you, in minutiae, my experience at a sybaritic nuptial ambigu, and the concomitant momentous sequences.

Fritz and I returning from a negotiatory trip to the hesperian megalopolis, arrived, in the post-meridian part of the day, in a visne.

Having approximated a hostelry of imposing and delectable appearance, we discovered that every concomitant of the establishment was undergoing a general depuration. All the factotums about the hacienda were sedulously employed. I made a circumspective pedetentous reconnoitering tour of inspection to the posterior department of the extruction, where I espied the most sanguinary scenes. There took place the trucidation of pennigerous bipeds by decollation; of vituline, ovine, curvicaudate, suilline, or porcine, and other crinigerous and lanigerous quadrupeds, by the exantlation of their sanguineous fluid. Some of the plumigerous and aligerous bipeds were undergoing deplumation or deprivation of their indument by decerption.

Some of the strigillose and piligerous quadrupeds were in a process of excoriation, and others subject to a depilatory eventeration, and trutination, or ponderation.

The propinquity of these operations to my visual powers, evocated in me the conviction that an epulation was approximating; and being somewhat scrutinous and inquisitive, I received cognoscence that on the proximate day a sponsal epulation was to occur.

In confabulation with the homiletical and hospitable host antecedent to couchee, Fritz and he produced, in the progress of their enterparlance, mutual and indubious genealogical apodixis, that they stood in relation of cater cousins to each other. In consequence of his great seniority to Fritz, and his early emigration from home, they had anterior to that evening been in a state of nescience to each other.

Our concinnity of abearance, and his great comity and xenodochy, as well as his consanguinity to Fritz educed from him an invitation to us to participate in the hilarity of the approaching nuptials.

The parties to be concatenated were his senior daughter and a rurigenous gent visne.

On the nuptial day, at the horal designation, the guests arrived at the mansion, in wains, curricles, and other vehiculary voiture; upon montures, yawds, plugs, bronchos, burros, and equine hybrids with abnormally elongated auricular appendages. There were, also, multitudinous pedestrians.

The puisne folk of both genders exhibited themselves in the optimity of their attire.

Ultimately the ecclesiastic who was to colligate the parties indissoluble conjugium with the infrangible gyves of Hymen, arrived.

He was octogenarian. His sable envelopes; his lugubrious countenance; the rugosity of his visnomy; his depilous cranium; the rotundity of his person; the gracility of his crural organs; and his ampulliform olfactor, engaged my optics exceedingly.

He coalesced the interests of the amorous pair by confarreation, and immediately after the espousals, anacamtic tintinnabulations from the refectory department, anounced a change in the programme. In a brevity of time, the doors of the refectory were made patulous, and the mensal board onerated with prog, cates, succades, and in verity a superabundance of omnifarious cibarious comestibles, displayed itself to dazzled eyes and esurient maws. This mensal structure was soon environed by carls, chuffs, clodpates, clumps, coggers, galliards, rancheros, vaqueros, tauromachians, hoidens, hunks, noodles, dicacious citesses, abigails, oppidans, rustics, verecundious bonnibels, bonnilasses, floricomous whiting-mops, pickthanks, poltroons, rantipoles, terraculturists, skipjacks, tosspots, senoritas, bas bleus, and erubescent misses of ineffable pulchritude.

So soon as a rogation for a benison by the concionator, transpired, fourchette, and all implements for the transportation of prog from the table to oral apertures, were movent and sonorific. Such abligurition; such lycanthropic edacity, lurcation, ingurgitation and gulosity; such omnivorousness and pantophagy; and such a mutation and avolation of comestibles, had never fallen under my vision in any antecedent part of my sublunary entity. Truly, anamnestic of Byron's "dura illia messorum!"

The fabaceous and other esculent supplies had undergone thorough elixation. The supernaculum and other poculent liquids had been well edulcorated. The gallimaufries, olla podrida, ragouts, and salmagundi, were all well condited, and were delectable; giving quite an acuity to the gusto of the eaters.

After the epigastrics of all had been duly sated, and the appurtenances of the mensal board had been removed, an epithalamium and other ariettas and chansonnettes were chanted by the junior portion of the convivialists. This part of the programme was unceremoniously interrupted by an uproarious callithumpian charivari by an omnium-gatherum rabblement of the vicinage.

We all then took consession in a spacious aularian saloon. Fritz and I were soon the cynosures and objects of their oeillades, as peregrine aliens in their midst. I saw them nictate and susurrate, and they seemed much titillated at our neoteric appearance among them. We, however, disregarded their abderian ludifications. When the parson had withdrawn, they inchoated saltation, which some performed with considerable legerity; especially, the presultor.

Those of the feminine gender, appeared in the optimity of their attractions. The tetes of some had undergone much unique and artistic capillature; and the capital crinitory filaments of others had been so crispated by the instruments of tonsorial friseurs, as to resemble the spiral flexures of the caudal extremity of a porcine quadruped. Their chapeaus were gorgeously plumed, and hyperbolically and fulgidly ornated. Their sericeous fazzolets and bombycinous mokadours were brilliant and highly odorated. Their faces had been rubricated and infucated with fucus. Indeed they exhibited such flirtation that almost affected me with misogyny.

Fritz and I exhilarated a knot of guests with orphean strains upon the guimbard; and with bon mots, quips, and rebuses; and rendered other auxiliations, to the best of our appropriaments; but we did not tripudiate, or participate in any gallimatias.

When all had received satiation as to the diversified amusements, especially, terpsichorean indulgence, the coterie disbanded. At one time, all were hugely conquassated by the diffusion of some pulverized mundungus on the floor.

I indulged in a permansion with Fritz's complaisant and harberous german for the diuturnity of a fortnight.

During this tarriance, I witnessed much of a very momentous import.

The nimiety and superalimentation of multifarious cibarious substances engorged into inane and jejune stomachs during the nuptial festivity, were extremely nosopoetic, and some of the guests were ferried, - nolens volens, - by Charon, over the river Styx.

The morbific character of the maladies became manifest variously in their physical organization. Some were seized with deuteropathy; some with ephialtes; others with apepsy, emesis, megrim, epistaxis, or sanguineous manations from their nasal orifices; some were affected with gingival and hepatical intumescence and lippitude; others were beset with catalepsy, subitaneous lipothymy, succeeded by subsultory exagitations; in others were generated dyspnoea, aglutition, distension of the pericardium and pneumonia, induced by saltation and inhalation of pulverized nicotian.

Couriers were ablegated from all parts of the villatic community to secure adjuments of the pharmacopolists, chirurgeons, physicians, and even Hobson's choice charlatans and amethodists.

In their diagnostications and prognostications, and their discovering procatarctic causes, and prescribing, there was no consimilitude. Not all of them were professionally versed and skilled in materia medica, and the medical and surgical departments of pathology; - nosology, aetiology, morbid anatomy, symptomatology, and therapeutics; and as a sequence, some of them shot wide of the mark as to pathognomic symptoms.

When I brought my zetetic Aesculapian battery to bear upon one of them, I discovered he could not differentiate among maladies - epidemic, endemic, and sporadic; infectious and contagious.

The one who officiated in the vicinity of the hacienda, imparted the following pharmaceutical recipes:-

For megrim and lippitude, - acupuncturation, and scarification on the cutaneous integument of the cranium; for lipothymy, the extravasation of the rubric fluid by venesection, or phlebotomy; for subsultory exagitations, a sudatory diaphoretics, and hypnotics; for nasal hemorrhage, styptics applied to the rhinal emunctory; for imposthumations, - argillaceous illutations; for ephialtes, apepsy, and deuteropathy, - antephialtics, Baunscheidtism, and calefacient sinapisms; for iliac disquietudes, - stingo immixed with ginger and cayenne pepper; for aglutition, or dysphagy, - oesophagotomy; for dyspnoea, - bronchotomy, or pharyngotomy.

Should all these fail, or prove inutile, he insisted on an adhibition, as a succedaneum and adjuvant, of an apozem, or excoction of hederaceous and other radicals and corticals, which, depurated of lees by percolation, or transcolation, and well dulcorated, would lose its injucundity and become totally innocuous. With this apozemical treatment should be connected eccritics, or drastic deobstruents and emetics. Ingeminations of very calefacient epispastics, and copious phlebotomy should be sedulously protracted until the invaletudinarian became almost exsanguinous and evanid, anemic and thanatoid - autoptically exanimate. Should a patient, from sudations, venesections, vesicants, and other cutaneous appliances, became sweltry, adhibitions of aqueous aspersions upon the epidermis, should be sedulously secured.

He asseverated that these medicamental appliances would have the most salutiferous syndrome; and that after an imminution of the patient's obesity by strict limotherapeia, his abstersed, emaciated, and adynamic system might be instaurated with cardiacs and peptic sauces. He iterated the assertion that from the proficiency in angiography, pharmacodynamics, threpsology, therapeutics, and prophylactics, he knew the employment of this medicamental treatment would make sanation certain.

He impignorated his veracity that the patient would be invested with an almost immarcescible floriage; and that, in his supputation with them, he would not be scrupulously exacting as to lucrific guerdon. In diametrical oppugnancy to his Aesculapian skill and the remedial treatment with diacatholicons, polychrests, and adiaphorous placebos, some of the maladies were mortiferous, and several of the puisne folks were soon irremediably moribund, and made their exit for the irremeable bourne, - Erebus and the realms of sprites.

The amethodist's medicamenta were so narcotic and lethiferous, that the victims of his indexterity, in the ultimity of their terrestrial vitality, were favoured with euthanasy.

The hilarity of the nuptial epulation merged into lugubrious aspects. Resplendent habiliments were succeeded by sable paraphernalia of obsequies; and the cantata of jovialities were followed by exequial arvals and epicedian threnodes. And O, the cadent lachrymary effusions of the clonic and clamant ging!

The medicus commingled with the suspiring threnetic throng in the procession to the necropolis for the inhumation of the decedents; by notwithstanding his fletiferous crocodility, he maintained the most astounding adiaphory and ataraxy.

Subsequent to the sepelition of the reliquiae, he exhibited his carte blanche, variegated with multitudinous numerical additaments; - most ocularly indicant of his questuary, covetous, and covinous proclivities. After impleting his nummary receptacle, he made his disparition.

Most veritably and lexicographically, Ihr freund, Ivan

Letter VI,

Mesquite Boscage, Occident

June 1, 1873

Most bibliophilistical Sir:-

In the finale of my primal lexiphanic epistolography, I imparted to you the verity, that femininity had not effascinated me. Not so, however, as to my chum, Fritz. He does not believe that - amare et sapere vix deo conceditur; - and consequently, he is about to become a neogamist, by being colligated with hymeneal fetters. He will doubtless soon be the beatific occupant of his own hacienda, environed by the maximum of paradisiacal subcelestial felicity.

Without much circuity, I will give you the concatenation of circumstances leading to the present status of his amatorial venture, - and imprimis, give you a laconic biographic sketch of Fritz.

He was, during his adolescency, a paralian.

His ancestral habitation was conterminous to the maritimal sections of this splendrous columbian republic, where the congestion of population and the celsitude of the means for the sustentation of vitality, necessitated those who had, by herculean and invincible difficulties, become depauperated, to emigrate to the untenanted portions of our occidental domain.

Often he could not evitate the emission of the most grave suspirations in view of the atrabilarian aspects of his natal vicinity, and of the unswayable approximation of the detorsion from the operatives, of the media of obtaining a competency, by opulent monopolies.

However sedulous in any avocation, but few could participate in the reception of correspondent remunerative guerdon.

The incessant crescive density of the transmontane population impelled the proprietors of terra firma to such constant ingeminate arations and inseminations of their granges for the eduction of radical, herbaceous, leguminous, and frumentarious cerealia, that terrene infecundity, even of the most batful soils, inevitably resulted.

Not only so, but the discinding of the granges into exiguous, multangular, and multilateral fragments, made them too angust for occupancy. A mature cogitation upon the accreting congeries of the discommodities in prospect for his natal land, brought him to the acturience to effectuate a segregation of himself from the localities that witnessed the gambols of his juvenility, and procure for himself a domiciliation in the spacious occident. The announcement of his illation imparted a lugubrious phase to the physiognomies of his paternal and maternal, or rather, - novercal, - relations; but illumed risibilities upon the phizes of his enemies.

When the doloriferous moment arrived when his discession was to take its inception, his germans, agnations and cognations, in conjunction with many of his vicinal cotemporaries, congregated about him. His parents were loth to behold their entire orbation; and the rest, because his migration subjected them to the amission of an adjuvant neighbor.

The edicts of the Fates have been quite propitious to him since his ubiety in the occident.

A very pecunious consanguineal avuncular relative, - an agamist, and a nonagenarian, - having terminated his subsolar vitality, bequeathed to Fritz all his terrestrial acquisitions. He also received his patrimonial cleronomy. The aggregate, which was not inconsiderable, enabled him to effect the emption of a hacienda.

The campestral and horticultural enclosures are very feracious and frugiferous. The manse is palatial. The croft is venust and attractive.

Multifarious and multigenerous floriferous, nuciferous, pomiferous, pyriferous, pruniferous, and other fructiferous trees and plantage are not minus. Here he can, unannoyed by bombylious puncturing culices, and other sanguivorous sanguisuges and animalculae, indulge his ingenerate somnolence, and enjoy superlative otiosity, autocratorically.

The interior appurtenances and garniture of his wone is unisonous with the exterior aspect, and this educed from him the plerophory that he was still under degarnishment whilst minus a femme d'charge, and unassociated with one of the costal genus. His gynephobia minorated most perceptibly, and his appetition for the spousal state became quite puissant. His erotism impelled him to frequent a nundinal occasion, where, percase, he ogled for the first time, at his prospective cara sposa. He espied her in consociation with a templar, - a politicaster, - whose fatuity and parvanimity was visible in all abearance.

A sagittal puncture through his pericardium effected such a clarity in his optics, that he beheld a millenary of charms in her venust physique. Her roseate labials; her liliaceous cuticle; her graceful locomotive organs; and her mellifluent and suaviloquent loquacity, most parlously enamored him, and divested him of all autarchy.

Having effected an enterparlance with her, he found spontaneity of interlocution to be mutual; for the erotic arcubalister had actuated his ballister and jaculated a sagittary vire into her cordialities also; but the eviction of the templar from her companionship was the punctilio of his mental perturbations. The quodlibet induced upon him the most labefying anorexy and erotomy; but having a prevision that the politicaster's debonairness to her was rather impermanent, he brought him into proximity with a linguacious, psychagogic citess, which effected a detraction of all his antecedaneous comity to Miss Amenity. Having thus segregated the macaroni from her society, he - making me his privado, and enlisting my auxiliary adjuvancy, - dispatched to her a billet d'amour somewhat after the following diction and phraseology:-

Alder-liefest and most debonair Miss; -

Desiderating not to be ambagitory in the prolegomenary part of this epistle, and waiving all supervacaneous apologies, I will announce to you that I have a proclivity to assume the marital state, and that, since our recent tete a tete interlocution, I have delapsed into a dilection which has elicited this amatory epistolography to you, and extorted the conviction that you are the rara avis in consortion with him the suavities and amaritudes of my subastral vitality might be felicitously sustained. Ergo, my prelation of you, and my optation to impart to you a categorical catenation of the prerequisites, assuetudes, and habilitations of her in whose sodality I am to protract my subcelestial career in this asperous and subdolous megacosm to the time of my obit.

Primarily, her physical structure must be staminal and sane. She must not be a lilliputian, nor of more than medial procerity; neither osseous, nor encumbered with a superabundance of adipous tissue. Her physique must be venust, and her physiognomy bonny and nitid as Phosphor herself. Her articulations must be mellifluent and euphonious as those of the rosignol. Her ambulations must be perk and facile. She must never use fucus nor prink. She must adonize herself but never envelope herself in sericeous, or bombycinous habiliments and glittering arraiment, except on ecclesiastical, nundinal, and ferial occasions. She must not be circumforaneous, nor multiloquous; and never become a quidnunc. Never be dowdyish nor procacious. She must exhibit idoneous pudicity and obmutescence in the presence of frens.

She must be au fait in the usance of euphemisms, and never divulge in hugger muggers.

The evitation of saponaceous abstergents and other mundifying media to obviate somatic fetidness, and a premature rugose phiz, and apparent anility, must never denote her. She must possess interminable longanimity, and never affect any deliquium in any subitaneous fright. Fumigation, ructation, and immoderate yexing, and oscitancy, must not be indulged in, in my presence.

She must be skilled in domiculture, and in such hariolation as aleuromancy, myomancy, pyromancy, capnomancy, and enoptomancy; dextrous in panification, and in the preparation of polygenous and polymorphous refections; habile in malaxation, and the facture of cakes of brank and other cerealia; adept in the confection of cates, juncates, simnels, succades, and in verity, scient and perite in the facture of omnigenous comestibles in the culinary department. Eke, she must be well versed as to the chemical constituents of smegmatic substances, and exhibit solertiousness in manufacturing same; and at times operate the filatory. She must not be unduly affected with anthomania, but instead, occupy her leisure time in interbastation; and be not too orgillous to superintend the incubation of gallinaceous autophagi, and impart to their lanuginous and vociferous progeny ample saginating nutrication.

To all murine quadrupeds, and all vermiparous, pulicose, and culiciform multipeds, and animalculae, and to all sanguivorous thoral cimisses about the premises, she must be ruthlessly lethiferous.

She must inhibit all unnecessary perstreperous boation and clamations among the dandiprats, and sedulously urbanize all the abigails, and all the ancillaries and factotums under her sovranty.

In finale, she must be panurgic and know that I am an absolutistic acephalist in my own domicile. I am favorable to a synarchy or a diarchy, but diametrically contrariant and antagonistic to all gynecocracy.

I have a prenotion that the antecedent enumerated aggregation of physical, ethical, and economical habilitations have a more spacious depository in you than in any other of your gender that has fallen under my vision; and in view of it, I tender to you for your acceptance the cincture of Hymen.

In perclose, if you can reciprocate the eupathy which elicited amatory epistolographical effusion, a favorable replication will most veritably, invest me with inenarrable delectation.

With metreless amity, Most erotically, yours, Fritz.

A response, as follows, was accorded.

Most suasory Sir:-

I am the accipient of your most inopinate complimentary erotic epistle.

Posterior to a careful lection and perpension of its momental import, which greatly perturbed my accustomary somnolence, I know, having my medium serenitude, alacriously impart to you a response.

I am still celibate, though having arrived at the age of muliebrity, and hence, nubile for several annuary epochs. I have had multitudinous allectations to enter into a maritated state, but I have, as yet, evitated all morsure at the inescations coming from your gender: and all illaqueations, and all illecebrous subarrations from ad captandum amorosos. Whatever might evene, I have been procinct against a procidence to a state of deterioration by an infrangible consortion with petit-maitres, or jackanapes in fulgid ornature, and hyperbolical, pavonian arraiment. Such could never enter the cycle of my recognized amorists.

Festination by many of my sex to an inextricable sponsal colligation with such mangonized quidams and asinegos, has crebrously obnubilated the most lucent prospicience of alger juvenility. Such eventuations made me meticulous, and by no means, proclive to adjugate my mundane allotment to any goman, or animal implumed biped. I came almost to the illation to become a Malthusian; at least, to be solivagant through this multivious megacosm to my ultimate requietory.

Since our tete a tete collocution in the manse of the amicable aubergist, during nundinal occasion, I have had an ineffable propendency for your society. Moreover, your sapiential epistle caused a bannition of all equilibration from my lacerated petto, and premonstrated to me that you are, by no means, an agrammatist, but in verity a sapient belletristical philomath.

You were not wholly ignote to me prior to my primal vision of you at our adventive meeting and confabulation. Your heliograph had already fallen under my vision, and caused me to cherish a preexistimation for you.

However, in my cogitations as to the prerequisites, and characteristic qualifications of him who may wish to be my marital comate, I have formulated the following; -

Primarily, he must be a franklin, or yeoman, though not an amnicolist. His agrestical mansion must have a roboreous contignation, glabrous floors, multitudinous fenestral apertures, an imposing exedra, or antesolarium, various vestiaries, and a balneary. It must be well camerated, and impervious to the hyperborean frigefactive perflations of the Aquilon. It must be environed by ample avenues, covered with scorbiform and arenaceous material. A gelid puit must not be minus.

The housal furnishments must be of medium preciosity. In the culinary department, adeps, farinaceous, lactaceous, ovicular, and saccharine substances for the facture of omnigenous doucets, simnels, and omnifarious pannary comestibles, must not be wanting. Flabels, locofocos, or allumettes, and sebaceous and kerosene luciferous lucerns, and other nocturnal illuminators must be in abundance.

The ecuries and the byres, as also their environs, must exuberate in montures, and other equines; also, multitudinous bovine, vaccine, vituline, lanigerous ovine, and porcine, or suilline, quadrupeds; all in a state of rotund impinguation, or sagination. Reciprocornous arietating malodorous hircines will not be tolerated.

The corporeal structure of him who is to be my comate, must not be too procere; - at least, he must be a brobdingnagian, - and by no means, must he be a homunculus. Not too rotund nor too angular. He must be equicrural, and not macropodous or claudicant; not macrognathic or macrotous; and somewhat macrencephalous. In verity, his physique must be adonean.

He must be very deft in his arraiment, and keep his labials mundified from all nicotian succulence; - in verity, sedulously evitate, at all times, the manducation, ebullition, and nasal inhalation of the noxious plantage. He must not be an oenophilist, but a very abstemious nephalist. He must evitate disassiduity as to the mundification of his dental organs, and cutaneous surface. He must never be desidious in pediluvy, balneation, and salination, for the remotion of hogo, occasioned by exsudations, and dermal desquamations. During a procellous and lutarious season, he must sedulously absterge all illutation from his pedial extremities, prior to making his introgression to the house.

Sputation on the tapis will not be tolerated, and the nonessential augean cuspidor must be - non est.

All mussitation relative to the elixation and preparation of cibarious articles of alimentation, are peremptorily tabooed.

In company, he must be bonair and homiletic; and never querulential, or of too potestative portance. In his collocution, he must be a quodlibetarian, but not a monologist; and by no means, pompatic, umbratious, temerarious, clerkless, or incony; devoid of all incivism, inertitude, perfunctoriness, and ingannation. He must not be a punctilious precisianist; never too captious, and scoptically nasute; never guilty of macrology, psilology, balbucination, or heterophemy.

By no means, must he be stertorous in his obdormition, or be subject to somniloquism and somnambulism. In his operosity in this subcelestial arena, he must not be a mammonite, or be given to cosmolatry. He must be very homiletical and altruistic towards eleemosynaries, inmates of orphanotrophies, sportularies, and those in a state of obolary viduity.

Adunation with any of the existential cryptic germanities, or guilds, and all noctivagations, and omnivagations, subjecting me to solitariety, and solicitous excubations, must never characterize him.

Indiscriminate fidejussion must never have immanency in his harns. An abjurement of all miscreance and demonocracy and demonolatry; and a cordial acceptation of Christianity, must ever denote him.

He must be lusory with the bairns, and paradigmatic to them; and indulge them freely in their anthropomorphized feats of equestrianism and sciomachy, and in their barmecidal sybaritic feasts; and erudiate and indoctrinate them to be veridical, without baculine vapulation, or fustigation.

The sponsal munities I claim for myself, are:- To be autocratrix in all departments of the domicile, and assume full solidarity -alibi, -algates. Consent for protracted evagations, and obequitations, when desiderated, must be alacriously granted. All seminations, aberuncations, and sarculations in the hortulan sepiment; the pabulation of vaccine, equine, and curvicaudate porcine quadrupeds; and the ablactation of the mugient vituline quadrupeds; and in verity, all latreutical work about the equerry, the vaccary and the lactary, is most explicitly recused.

In case the omega of my sponsal partner should antedate mine, impignoration not to enjoy digamy, or deuterogamy, will not be given in my desponsation to any adamite, or masculine biped of the genus homo. Should a catalysis of the sponsal affiliation even, - and that by diffarreation, on account of inebriety, or any other malefaction, then, a dimidiation of the acquisitions would have to occur.

Finally, should my mari and I enjoy consenescence, and be nearly commorient, and my obital period antevene his, then my desideration is, to be funerated debonairly in a feateous requietory. Such are the munities I reserve for myself, and to which I surmise you will readily yield assentment. Your supravulgar cogitations, as well as your position beyond the purlieus of plebeiance must lucidly premonstrate it.

On condition of compliance with the above requisitions, I accept your proffered cincture of Hymen, with the esperance that our connubial adunation and consequent solidarity and interdependency may cause an amelioration of the asperities incident to our terrestrial vitality, and aid us in the devitation of many of the tentations in this immund and inquinated mundane structure; and I leave it to your arbitrament to designate the day of bridality. Perchance the proximate plenilune would be the most idoneous period for the hymeneal conjugation; and may the supermundane powers invest the paranymphal occasion with their auspicious benison. In an aureate ligature, Your eviternal affianced, E.M. Amenity.

Fritz has given me assecuration that the said paranymphal occasion will occur as suggested, and not on the Greek calends. However, as to the culmination and final sequel, - more anon.

I will now bring to a finis this sesquipedalian cacographical scrawl, with the assurance that I am, Yours, pedantically, Ivan